


Unconditional

by Taelala



Category: Newsies (1992), Newsies - All Media Types, Newsies!: the Musical - Fierstein/Menken
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Infidelity, M/M, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-01
Updated: 2019-03-14
Packaged: 2019-11-07 10:46:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 24,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17959025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taelala/pseuds/Taelala
Summary: Jack and David’s marriage has been slowly falling apart, and they’re both tired of trying and ready for divorce.  When a friend suddenly passes and leaves them custody of her daughter, they decide to tough it out a little longer to avoid upsetting this child’s life further.  Together they relearn patience, forgiveness, and unconditional love.





	1. Shattered

The house was dark when David got home that night.  It wasn’t as if he’d expected anything different, and he realized with a pang that he hadn’t even been hoping for anything.  It was almost a relief to realize that Jack had forgotten or ignored their anniversary again.  David put his jacket on the peg and dropped his keys in the bowl, where they landed on top of a pair of wedding rings that hadn't adorned their fingers for months.

It had all started out so idealistically.  They had fallen in love so hard, so quickly. They had been so deeply, painfully, insanely devoted to one another. Their wedding had come only six months after their first date.

David couldn’t even remember how it had fallen apart.  He couldn’t put a finger on any one moment and blame it for everything that came after.  The truth was, neither of them had done anything wrong at first.  They just… stopped talking.  Then they stopped touching.  Then it seemed like every word became a jab, every gaze a glare.

They didn’t even fight that much.  There was no screaming, just this feeling of building pressure that it seemed would never be released.  There was no hatred for one another, just an all-consuming apathy.  That almost hurt worse.

And the night David had found the texts on Jack’s phone, he’d almost been relieved. It was clear from the communication that Jack hadn’t done anything physical with the person on the other end, not yet anyway.  But maybe if there was someone else, then Jack would finally just go.  Maybe they could both move on from this huge mistake they’d made together.

As for David, he didn’t want anyone else, and he didn’t want the man before him either.  Mostly he wanted to finally breathe.  A small part of him that he wouldn’t acknowledge just wanted the Jack he’d married. The passionate, cocky, loud-mouthed ass he’d fallen in love with. That man had turned into a tired, bitter, empty shell that David didn’t recognize.

David climbed the stairs and hesitated in front of the bedroom door before deciding to sleep in the guest room.  He just… he couldn’t do this again.  He couldn’t lay next to Jack as if they were happy and in love.  He couldn’t listen to the breathing of the stranger next to him, not anymore.

He heard Jack in the master bathroom and hurried down the hall to the guest room.  He didn’t want to even look at him right now.  He couldn’t handle the awkward silence or the pretending they cared about each other’s days.

There on the guest room bed, as if Jack had known David would sleep there, were the papers he had known would eventually come.  Whether he or Jack had been the one to initiate the process, it was going to happen.  He sat down and began to thumb through them.  He should probably get a lawyer to look at these before he signed them.  He wasn’t sure how any of this worked.

He let out a long sigh of relief when he saw Jack had already signed.  Soon, this would be over.

 

&&&

 

Jack stood in front of the mirror for ages.  He didn’t recognize the man staring back at him.  He felt like he couldn’t feel anything.

It wasn’t Davey’s fault, he thought.  As much as it had initially hurt when Davey grew cold towards him, Jack understood.  He had become a difficult man to love.  But then, Davey hadn’t tried all that hard, had he?  All those promises they made about better or worse.  Worse had crept in unexpectedly, with no reason or justification, and they hadn’t been prepared.  They had foolishly believed their love was insurmountable and it would always be that easy.  There was nothing easy about it.

He heard the front door close downstairs.  David was home.  Jack took a long, deep breath.  He didn’t know how to look Davey in the eyes and hand him the divorce papers.  His plan was to ask Davey to sleep in the other room, where he would find the papers waiting for him.  It was cruel, he knew, to do this on their anniversary.  But it was the anniversary itself which had made him sure he couldn’t do this for another year.  It had to end.

He heard David stop outside the bedroom door and then walk on, and he felt relief crash through him.  He wouldn’t have to see David tonight, wouldn’t have to look at him and try in vain to see the young man he’d fallen in love with.  That man, full of passion and affection, didn’t live in this house.  Hadn’t for years.

Jack wandered to the bed that suddenly seemed too big and sat down, picking up his buzzing phone.  More texts from her.  The beautiful woman who’d appeared at his gallery showing, who had bought his favorite piece and who couldn’t stop telling him how talented and handsome he was.

He tried to remember the last time David had taken an interest in his art or his body.  He couldn’t recall.

Jack’s heart warmed at her latest text, filled with the attention and adoration he had been starving for.  He smiled and began to craft his response. Maybe when all this was over, he could start again with her.

Didn’t matter if it was her or anyone else, really.  He knew that.  Anyone who had offered him a drop of affection would have had him as much as this woman had him.  He couldn’t live in this emptiness void of love any longer.  He wouldn’t.

She said something that reminded him of David when they were younger, and he felt a pang in his heart.  An ache for the young men they had been, the intensity of love they had shared.  He shook the feeling away.  That love was gone.  It couldn’t be reclaimed, it was time to move on.

 

&&&

 

A week passed, and David still hadn’t signed the papers.  It wasn’t as if he didn’t want to.  He had sat down, pen in hand, a dozen times.  The page was marked up with little dots where he had pressed the pen insistently and determinedly against it before pulling his shaking hand away.  He was so angry.  Why couldn’t he just do this?  Why couldn’t he put this dead thing out of it’s misery?

He would get the courage, he was sure.  He just needed a little more time.  It was the comfort of familiarity, he was sure, that was keeping him from ending this.  The fear of the future.  There were no strings left holding him to Jack Kelly, just a last name and the unwillingness to accept change.

David was sitting in the kitchen poking microwaved leftovers around his plate when Jack wandered in.  They both stiffened, a little uncomfortable at being in the same room.  This was something they carefully avoided whenever they could.

Jack went to the fridge and reached in with paint-covered hands.

Davey made a noise of disgust.  “Could you not wash your hands before touching the food?”

He saw Jack purse his lips but ignore him, pulling the milk out and drinking straight from the jug.  When he put it back, splotches of paint decorated the handle.  Davey groaned quietly and looked back at his food.

“You signed those papers yet?”  Jack asked coldly.

David shook his head.  “Still looking over them.”  That was a lie.  He’d looked over them a million times, and the terms were reasonable.  Neither of them wanted the house, so they would sell it and split the profit. Jack would keep his art profits, David would get the car.  It was pretty straightforward.

Jack let out a frustrated breath.  “Yeah, okay,” and stomped out of the room.

The exchange was brief, but exhausting.  David slammed a fist down on the table, shaking it and the food in front of him.  What would it take for him to just get it over with?

At the exact moment David had resolved to go back upstairs and sign those damn divorce papers, he heard Jack’s phone ring from the living room.  Probably that damned woman again.  Jack no longer even tried to hide it, they spoke every day.

“Yeah,” Jack answered.

Davey knew he shouldn’t listen in, but he did anyway.

There was a long silence, and then the abrupt sound of something shattering.  David jumped up and ran into the living room, ready to yell and curse. Jack was sitting on the couch, clearly in shock, and there was glass from their coffee table on the floor and in his shaking hand.

Jack didn’t look up at him as he dropped the phone.  “It… it was Crutchie.  Smalls was in an accident.”

David went cold.


	2. The Funeral

The funeral was… impossibly hard. Beautiful, but wrong. All their old friends from college – the whole crew of the school paper – were finally back together, and for the worst reason imaginable. They had once vowed to meet up every year and drink and catch up. That had only lasted three years, with attendance dwindling each time. But for Smalls’ funeral, every single one of them showed. From across the country and from vastly different worlds, they all gathered to say goodbye.

It was long, and painful. The pews were too hard and the service too bland. Jack knew Smalls would’ve hated it. She’d have preferred a party. He wondered who the hell organized this thing, who thought they had the right to mis-remember Smalls so absolutely.

He just wanted to run away. Smalls had been the best of them, he was certain of it. He might have thought that about whichever of them passed first, honestly, but at this moment he was sure Smalls had outshone them all. He didn’t want to be here. None of this was right.

A tiny little girl – Penelope – was led to the casket up front to say goodbye to her mother for the last time. He was stung with a pang of guilt for his desire to escape. This little girl would never be able to escape this day. He knew. His thoughts wandered back to his own father’s funeral. He had been older than little Penny was now. He couldn’t imagine having to deal with this at her age. God, how she must be hurting. She must feel so alone. His heart ached for her and he wished desperately that he could take that pain upon himself so it wouldn’t have to dwell inside that tiny frame.

What was going to happen to her, now? Penny had no father. Smalls had no living relatives. Probably, he thought, she could go with Mush and Crutchie. Penny got along so well with their twins, she’d fit into the family perfectly. That was the most sensible thing to do.

Jack heard a quiet sob muffled behind a fist and knew it came from Davey. He nearly reached over to pull his husband close, but thought better of it. Davey didn’t want Jack to touch him at the best of times. A funeral was no time to test boundaries. Best to leave it alone.

 

&&&

 

Davey hadn’t seen Penelope since she was a newborn. He remembered holding her for the first time and falling head over heels in love. He’d vowed to always be there for her, always love her with his whole heart, always be just a phone call away.

It’s funny how easily we break the promises we make to ourselves.

He tried to remember the last time he’d talked to Smalls. She didn’t live far, and she was always sure to call and check in, but it had been ages since they’d had her over. Davey was too tired to confront his friends with the reality of his failing marriage. They all knew, he was certain. If he spoke with them, they’d want to talk about it. Offer support and advice that he didn’t want.

He realized that she’d called him last week. He’d sent the call to voicemail.

His heart ached.

Instinctively, he almost reached for Jack’s hand. He wanted someone to hold onto, someone to tell him it would be okay. But Jack hadn’t been there for him for a long time. There was no reason to expect he would start now.

At the front of the room, Mush lifted Penelope up in his arms to let her give her mother one final goodbye kiss.

 

&&&

 

The drive to the lawyer’s office the next day was spent in absolute, deafening silence. Neither Jack nor Davey had spoken since they’d left the cemetery. Neither was willing to break the silence despite their gnawing need for comfort.

Jack had thought about not even attending the reading of the will, but Smalls’ lawyer had insisted that “Mr. and Mr. Kelly” needed to both be there together. He assumed that meant Smalls had left them something jointly. He prayed it was nothing important, nothing worth fighting over. Something they could split easily when they went their separate ways.

When they finally arrived, Davey was out of the car and halfway to the door before Jack could even open the car door. This wasn’t new or unexpected. They no longer wasted energy on the pretense that they were together in any way other than legally.

Jack lit a cigarette and waited. He wasn’t ready to go inside yet. He knew he and Davey would fight later about the smell permeating the upholstery, but he didn’t really care. He almost wanted to fight. He was growing tired of the reverent quiet and needed to scream.

Inside, Jack found a small office crowded to the brim with the old gang. There were so many of them that the door wouldn’t shut, and a few stood in the hallway pressed near the entry. Eyes were hollow or tear-filled, and just as Jack approached Buttons had to excuse himself to try and calm his sobbing. Jack laid a hand on his shoulder as he walked past and Buttons gripped it for a moment before walking on.

The proceedings were fairly standard. Heirlooms, knick-knacks, and memories. Smalls’ will had been long and detailed. She’d been so careful to leave something of emotional value to each and every one of them. Everyone left that room with something little but solid to hold onto.

An hour in, and Davey and Jack hadn’t even been mentioned in passing. Several people had already gone, too emotionally spent to experience the entire will. Davey looked as tired and anxious as Jack felt. Finally, the lawyer looked up from the stack of papers she had been reading aloud.

“Now, I’ll need to speak with a Jack and David… Kelly, yes - privately please, for the last item in the will.”

Confused, Jack made his way into the office and waited for Crutchie to stand from his seat before sinking into it himself. Everyone filed out and the door was closed behind them. When it was just the two of them and the lawyer left, she pushed a small, hand-written letter across the table. Davey took it and began to read aloud.

“ _Jack and Davey, I lo_ -” Davey swallowed hard before going on. Tears were already shining in the corners of his eyes. “ _I love you both more than I know how to say. You’re my brothers and my best friends. I tried to leave something good to each and every one of the guys. It was hard sometimes, to know exactly what to give to who. But for the two of you, I knew already. I knew it in my heart the-_ ” Davey stopped again, his forehead crinkling in confusion and surprise. “- _the moment she was born. To the two men I’ve loved the most, I’m leaving you the most important thing in the world – my Penelope._ ”

Jack exhaled slowly, shaking his head. This couldn’t be real. It didn’t make any sense.

“ _I know,_ ” Davey read on, his voice increasingly strained, “ _that you will give her the love and the family that she deserves, the same way you gave those things to me_.” Davey folded the letter slowly and laid it back on the table, like he didn’t want to touch it. He shook his head slowly. “We… we can’t. She should be with-”

“Crutchie and Mush,” Jack finished for him, and David nodded enthusiastically. He couldn’t remember the last time Davey had agreed with him on anything, but he would take it. “They’re already parents, they know how to do this, we-”

The lawyer waved her hands to hush them, looking perturbed. “No one is ever ready to be a parent, but it happens nonetheless. I don’t think you understand how this works.”

“No you don’t understand,” Jack insisted, leaning forwards. “We’re not, we can’t, we-”

“We’re getting a divorce,” Davey said flatly.

Jack blinked and looked over at him. They’d never discussed it or said it aloud. It sounded… it made his heart sink for a moment. He shook the feeling away. This was a good thing. Davey was finally accepting the inevitable.

The lawyer looked between them for a moment and then groaned, removing her glasses to squeeze the bridge of her nose. “That’s… let me make this very simple for you gentlemen. You are the sole named guardians for this child. You are named jointly, not individually. She has no living next of kin. If cannot - or will not - accept custody, then she _will_ go into foster care.”

“No,” Jack said quickly, almost involuntarily. His mind shot back to the years he’d spent in the system, bustled from family to family, no one willing to adopt a troublesome teenage boy. Some of those families hadn’t been that bad, and he’d ended up with Medda in the end, but- “No, there has to be a backup plan.”

She put her glasses back on and pushed them up her nose impatiently. “Plan A, I believe, was for her to be raised by her mother. Mr. and Mr. Kelly, you are the backup plan. The only one she has.”

She said something about letting them along to discuss it and about needing coffee, and left the room looking exhausted and frustrated.

“We can’t take her,” Jack whispered.

“I know.”

“We have to.”

“I know that too.”

“We can’t just-”

“I _know,_ Jack.”

“What are we gonna do?”

 

&&&

 

In the end, they both knew they couldn’t turn their backs on that little girl. Whatever else was going on between them, it would have to be set aside for now. This child had just lost her mother, her everything. Penelope was the only priority now.

It would be temporary, they agreed. They would put off the divorce until the adoption was finalized and Penny had grieved. Once everything was in order, they could go their separate ways. Penny would go with David since his life was more structured and less unpredictable, and Jack would have weekend custody.

And so it was that a few days later, they were in the guest bedroom helping Penny unpack her small suitcase. She still hadn’t said much to either of them, and that was just as well. They didn’t know what to say to her, or to each other.


	3. Parenting is Hard

Jack laid down his paintbrush and took a long look at his work. It was good, technically. It didn’t feel right, though. Nothing he’d painted had felt good for a long time. Some people kept exalting his talent and skill, but he just didn’t feel it anymore. Where painting used to feel like the act of spreading his soul out on the canvas, now it felt hollow. It was almost mechanical, the way he manufactured new works.

And truthfully, despite their praise, people weren’t buying as much as before. Not that he blamed them. When the work was shallow, when it had no emotion and passion to it, it was harder to connect to. If he looked at his work and felt nothing, how could he expect anyone else to feel differently?

He’d been spending a lot of time in his studio the last few days. He didn’t know how to talk to the six-year old who now shared their home. He’d never been good with kids anyway, and looking at that miniature copy of Smalls was harder than he’d thought it would be. He knew it wasn’t fair to the little girl, he knew it was selfish and shitty of him to avoid her. He sighed and left the room, wandering into the kitchen.

Jack blinked at the sight before him, having not realized it was morning. Penny sat at the kitchen table, staring down a bowl of cereal that was definitely not designed for children. David was hurrying around shoving her homework and jacket into her backpack.

Finally Penny looked up. “Can I have a pop tart?”

Jack shrugged and looked to David, who glared through him at having a problem redirected to him for the millionth time this week.

“I’m sorry honey, we don’t have any pop tarts.” He laid her backpack on the table and sighed. “I’ll get some on the way home from work tonight, okay?”

Penny made a face and poked at her cereal with a spoon. It reminded Jack of how picky an eater Smalls had been and he almost smiled before the hurt hit. Back when Buttons had always brought donuts for the group, he had been sure hers was chocolate topped with sprinkles. No one had had a sweet tooth quite like Smalls.

Jack noticed David was staring him down and gave him a questioning look, to which David jerked his head in Penny’s direction and made a motion like raising a spoon to his mouth.

“Uh,” he started weakly. How did parenting even work? “You gotta eat something, or you’ll be hungry later.”

David rolled his eyes at the feeble attempt and set about finishing his bagel in a hurry.

“I can eat at school,” she said, squinting at her bowl. “They have Lucky Charms.”

“Works for me,” Jack said, satisfied. He heard David groan. How was that wrong? The kid was going to eat, it was fine.

David shoved the last bite of bagel in his mouth and patted Penny’s shoulder. “Time to go, we can’t be late again.”

Jack’s phone buzzed and he pulled it out. It was her again. He answered immediately.

“Good morning, handsome,” came her sweet voice. “Have any sweet dreams last night?”

“Wouldn’t you love to know?” He smiled and didn’t see David roll his eyes as he hurried Penny to the front door.

 

&&&

 

David sat in the parking lot at work mulling over the text for a long time before hitting send.

_Could you not talk to_ _that woman_ _around Penny?_

At his desk, it took him ages to get started on the day’s work. He was more exhausted than he’d ever thought possible. Being in that house with Penny was more tense than living with Jack had ever been. Penny hadn’t cried or spoken about her mom since she moved in. She barely spoke at all. They knew the flood gates would burst eventually, it was only a matter of time. Waiting for it was a nightmare.

Sometime this weekend he would have to borrow a truck to move the rest of her furniture. They couldn’t just leave her with the bland guestroom decor forever, she deserved to have this space be her own. Some of her own belongings might even comfort her and help her open up to him. He tried to remember who he knew that had a truck. He groaned when he realized Spot was the only one. Spot would definitely want to talk about what was going on with his marriage. He’d never been a fan of Jack in the first place, and was likely bursting at the seams to talk shit about him.

Honestly David didn’t even want to complain about Jack, he just wanted him to go away.

David’s neck and back ached from sleeping on the couch, and he wondered if Penny had noticed. She was young, but observant and way too smart. A part of him wanted to keep up appearances for her sake, but the idea of laying next to Jack made his muscles wind up and not let go. He wondered what he would say if she asked. But Penny had only ever been raised by one parent, so maybe she didn’t know any difference. He prayed this was the case.

A few hours later, David checked his phone. No response from Jack. He should have expected that. Selfish of him, to put his own needs before this little girl’s stability, even in a small way.

David was still stewing in his anger when his cell rang, and he answered more aggressively than he meant to. “What?”

A voice on the other end faltered and then gave out an explanation that made David groan in frustration for the millionth time today. “Of course. We’ll be there.”

 

&&&

 

Jack shifted nervously in the uncomfortable little chair. This office in the kindergarten building was dark and small, curtains drawn. David’s stiff stance in the other chair and his grinding his teeth did nothing to ease Jack’s discomfort.

“We’ve been parents for a week and we already suck at it enough to be called to the principal’s office,” Jack said quietly.

“Don’t be dramatic,” David answered despite his own obvious stress. “I’m sure it’s nothing.”

“Misters Kelly,” the principal greeted them as he entered and closed the door. He took a seat and steepled his fingers. “I will not waste your time. I understand that Penelope is going through an extraordinarily hard time, but hitting another student is absolutely unacceptable.”

David balked visibly. “I… she _what_?”

Jack muffled a snicker at the mental image of the tiny girl punching anyone. David shot him a sharp glare and he coughed to try and cover himself.

The principal didn’t seem amused. “Today during free expression time, your…” He struggled for an appropriate word and found none. “Well, Penelope had an altercation with another student that ended with her pinning him to the floor and striking him repeatedly across the face.”

This time David and Jack both pursed their lips to hide their smiles. God, she was really exactly like her mother.

The principal frowned and narrowed his eyes. “I assure you this is not funny. It’s a serious matter. Our school had a zero tolerance policy for violence, and I’m well within my rights to suspend her from this institution.”

“Please,” David started, now sounding concerned. “She’s just-”

“However,” he continued. “Considering her current situation, I am willing to overlook this single incident, provided you can assure me there will be no repeats of it.”

Jack looked confused. “How are we supposed to-”

“We’ll talk to her,” David interrupted quickly. “It won’t happen again.”

 

&&&

 

Sitting on the couch while David paced the floor, Jack felt like he was the one getting a lecture. He twiddled his thumbs and half-listened.

“We have to present a united front,” Davey was saying. “If we’re not together on this, she can turn us against each other.”

Jack snorted. “Because that would be so hard.”

“Could you not be like this for one fucking second?” David asked in annoyance.

Jack’s voice dripped with sarcasm. “Do my best.”

David shook his head and threw his hands up before calling up the stairs. “Penny, could you come down here?”

Penny appeared moments later. She looked back and forth between a tired, uncaring Jack and a frustrated Davey.

“Come sit down, honey,” David said firmly. “We need to talk about what happened at school today.”

Penny climbed up on the couch, sitting on the opposite side from Jack, as far from him as was possible. Jack felt bad that she wasn’t comfortable around him yet, but what was he supposed to do about it? He didn’t know how to interact with a child.

Finally, Penny piped up. “They were out of Lucky Charms, so I had to eat Cheerios,” she informed them. “Cheerios are gross.”

David sighed and wiped a hand down his face. “No, it’s not… it’s not about breakfast. We saw your principal today. He told us you got into a fight and were hitting a boy.”

Penny stared at him for a moment, not seeming the least bit worried, before speaking solemnly. “He deserved it. He’s a butt-head.”

Jack burst out laughing, but was silenced by yet another glare from David.

“Penny, honey,” David said slowly. “Why do you say he deserved it?”

Penny suddenly seemed upset, and stared intently at the floor. Her voice was soft. “He made fun of me for not having a mommy or daddy, so I beat him up.”

Jack was non longer amused by any of this. His heart hurt. He narrowed his eyes and nodded at her approvingly. “Good.”

“No!” David said quickly. “That is not… Penny we can’t just hit people.”

“Mommy said if someone is mean to me I can be mean back,” she said defensively, meeting David’s eyes.

David clearly wasn’t sure what to say to that, so he just stuttered out, “Penny you _cannot_ hit people. Even when-”

“He said a really bad word, too!”

Jack and David looked at each other in confusion, and Jack shrugged. Smalls had always cursed like a sailor. They weren’t sure what word she would tell her daughter was “really bad.”

Jack’s phone buzzed and he pulled it from his pocket. Her again. He smiled and his fingers set about typing. He was dying for the positive attention she always heaped upon him after spending so much time around David’s disapproving eyes today. David kept addressing Penny, but his eyes were on Jack’s activities.

“What did he say, exactly?”

“His daddy told him I was living with two-” the slur that spilled from the little girl’s mouth next made both men jump and stare at her.

“Christ,” David whispered, lost for words.

Jack increasingly approved of Penny’s decision to kick this kid’s ass. He wondered if he should offer the same treatment to the little jerk’s dad.

Penny went on. “Mommy said you should never call someone that word. She said it hurts people.”

“It does,” Jack confirmed.

David seemed to consider for a moment before kneeling down in front of Penny and laying a hand on her arm. “Honey, I… I know he hurt your feelings and said a bad thing. But… look, next time anyone hurts you, just tell us right away and we’ll take care of it.”

She squinted in confusion. “He _deserved_ it.”

“I know,” David interrupted softly. “But I just… please promise me you’ll let the grown-ups handle it next time. I don’t want you to get hurt or in trouble because you were fighting.”

Penny looked at him for a long time, then at Jack. Jack gave her a brief nod before turning back to his phone. “It’s not fair,” she finally whispered, getting up from the couch and running to the stairs. Her little feet stomped on every step and the guest room door was slammed shut.

Jack wasn’t aware of David moving towards him until his phone was ripped from his hands and thrown across the room. “Hey what the fuck?!”

David was livid, his eyes full of rage. “Could I get, maybe just an _ounce_ of support from you, for once? She’s getting bullied _because of us_.”

“I was just-”

“Messaging your damn girlfriend, I’m aware.”

Jack narrowed his eyes in anger. “Didn’t think you gave a damn.”

“I don’t,” David answered.

The flatness and honesty of that statement surprised them both. Jack didn’t say another word, just crossed the room, collected his phone, and made his way upstairs to the bedroom they no longer shared. He threw himself down on the bed and started to text her back. No words seemed right, and for some damn reason her string of adoring compliments suddenly didn’t make him feel any better. He turned off his phone.

 

&&&

 

David collapsed onto the couch and put his head in his hands. All of this was harder than he’d imagined it would be, and he’d known it would be impossible. He was so sick of this man who wasn’t his Jack.

None of this was fair to Penny, he knew that. They shouldn’t be fighting. They should be a team right now. They needed to be working together and putting on a good show of a happy couple. But Jack was making it impossible for them to ally with each other on even the smallest act of parenting. They couldn’t even be a united front about fucking breakfast.

He wondered, not for this first time this week, if they were wasting their efforts. Were they hurting Penny more by trying to keep her? Everything about this was unfair to her, and David didn’t know how to fix it. He didn’t know if it was fixable at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to express my unending gratitude for all the kind comments and reviews, you guys are the best. <3 Your support is such a big motivation to keep writing. Thank you so much.


	4. Sunshine

The daylight was already fading by the time Davey and Spot had gotten most of Penny’s furniture loaded into the back of Spot’s truck. Jack had halfheartedly offered to come help, but David didn’t want to be around him today. They’d argued more with Penny around than they had before. It just so happened that Crutchie had organized a drinking party at a bar in Smalls’ honor, so he’d sent Jack there instead.

David wiped the sweat from his face and sighed, wondering if the ties would hold as Spot walked around testing their strength. The last thing he needed was to explain to a tear-stained Penny that her belongings were in pieces all over the street.

“Looks good,” Spot announced, satisfied. “Let’s get going so we don’t have to do this all in the dark.” He climbed into the truck that was honestly too large for such a small man, and Davey followed.

At first the ride was spent in silence, and Davey rejoiced. They’d avoided the subject of his marriage all day. But of course, Spot couldn’t just leave it lying there.

“So, you and Jack-”

David groaned.

Spot looked over at him a second, then back to the road. “You ever gonna tell me what happened there?”

He shrugged nonchalantly. “I don’t even know, honestly.” Spot waited for him to go on, so Davey filled the silence. “Things just got hard.”

Spot snorted. “All relationships get hard, Davey. You think me, Race, and Al have an easy time of it?”

David rolled his eyes, but smiled. Those three had been together since college, with no signs of slowing down. They were like the poster children for a happy polyamorous relationship. “You guys definitely make it look easy.”

Spot shook his head. “Nah, that shit is hard man. It’s amazing, but it’s challenging. You gotta work at it, like any marriage.”

“Me and Jack never had to work at it,” David said softly. “Not at first, anyway.”

“So when it gets difficult, you’re gonna throw in the towel?” Spot frowned. “I never saw two people more in love. But it’s not a cakewalk, Davey. You have to try.”

David sighed, trying not to be angry. Spot was just trying to help. “You don’t get it, I’m not the one who stopped trying.”

“So try enough for the both of you,” Spot answered. “Not forever, just for awhile. Put in the extra that you’re missing, see if he responds.”

David had honestly not thought of that. Could he have carried the relationship on his own, just for awhile, to see if Jack would answer in kind? Didn’t matter now, though. “It’s too late for that.”

He laughed. “It’s never too late. You know we went through a rough patch a few years back?”

David blinked and looked over at him in surprise. “I had no idea.”

Spot nodded. “Albert, he uh… he almost left. He was moody, pissed off all the time. Told us he was done and it was time for him to move on. That strained things between me and Race, too. We almost crumbled.”

“Holy shit,” David said. “I’m… you guys seem so happy.”

“We are, now,” Spot said with a grin. “Look, one day I realized. If they couldn’t or wouldn’t fight for this relationship, I was gonna have to do it myself. I started leaving love notes, planning dates, even just cleaning the apartment. They saw me trying, and everything changed. Race started cooking again, and Albert was bringing home flowers. Before you knew it, we were-”

“Like before?” David asked, almost a drop of hope in his voice.

“Not even close,” Spot replied. “We were better than that.”

David mulled this over and resumed looking out the window. He couldn’t picture a relationship better than what he and Jack had had before. He strained himself trying to at least imagine things being any different than they were now, and got nowhere. That Jack was gone.

“Look, Davey,” Spot finally said. “I’m not saying you need to do everything. But you guys were crazy about each other. So at least do _something_ , and see what happens.”

 

&&&

 

“To Smalls!”

The whole group and a few random guys from the bar responded, “To Smalls!” and drank.

Jack lifted his drink to his lips, but hesitated, looking at Crutchie. “You sure you wanna be the designated driver?”

Crutchie laughed. “I picked you up, remember? The other option is you driving my very expensive car with custom hand controls. And I’m not saying I don’t trust you, but-”

“That’s fair,” Jack said, downing his drink. “Hey, it was good of Mush to watch Penny tonight.”

Crutchie took a drink of his soda and nodded. “No big deal, he was staying home anyway.”

_Right_ , Jack thought. _Duh_.

A hand slapped down on his arm as Romeo walked over, already three drinks ahead of everyone else and grinning from ear to ear. “See, um...” he wavered. “See that pretty girl in the corner? Got her number.”

“Good for you, brother,” Jack said, patting him back. Jack snorted but refrained from pointing out to Romeo that the number in question was only six digits long. He’d figure it out. When romeo walked on, he turned back to Crutchie. “So how’s Mush doing?”

Crutchie smiled, beaming with pride. “Four years sober next month.”

“Damn,” Jack said, shaking his head. “That’s pretty bad ass.”

“Right? He’s doing great. I think the twins keep him sane.” Crutchie went quiet for a moment, as if considering something, before speaking again. “How’s David?”

Jack let out a groan and downed another drink before answering him. “Don’t wanna talk about him.”

Crutchie rolled his eyes. “He’s your husband, Jack.”

“Not for long,” Jack said flatly before ordering again. He realized his best friend was staring, and whispered so as not to be heard by the others. “Look, it’s no big deal. People get divorced all the time.”

Crutchie shook his head slowly, looking in disbelief. “I just… I thought you’d work it out, I guess.”

Jack shrugged. “Nothing to work out. He’s done with me, and I-” He took a deep breath and spoke into his glass. “I don’t even blame him. I’m pretty done with me, too.”

“Jesus, Jackie.” Crutchie laid a hand on him, but Jack shook it off.

“I’m fine.”

“Bullshit,” Crutchie said. “You’re a mess. What the hell happened?”

“I’m fine with it,” Jack insisted, getting frustrated. Why didn’t he believe himself? “We just don’t work anymore.”

“Have you tried?”

“You don’t understand.”

Crutchie’s eyes narrowed, and Jack immediately regretted his last words. “I don’t understand? I almost lost my husband to alcoholism and had to rebuild a marriage brick by brick, but I don’t understand?”

“I’m sorry,” Jack said softly. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

“No, you shouldn’t have,” Crutchie snapped back. He let out a sigh and took a moment to calm down. “Look Jack, marriage isn’t easy. It’s not a romantic comedy. Sometimes you fall apart. But you have to make the decision on if you’re going to fall back together. It’s hard, and it hurts, but… if you ever really loved him, and you think that love is worth fighting for, then you need to-” He stopped and took a breath, looking Jack in the eyes. “Jack you need to get your shit together.”

Jack blinked. He knew it was true, but god, no one had ever said it to him. “I-”

“I’m serious,” Crutchie went on. “You’re my brother and I love you, but you’ve been a nightmare lately. It’s obviously taken it’s toll on your marriage, and it’s going to take it’s toll on Penny, too. She deserves a lot better than the paltry effort you’ve been putting in.”

“Crutch-”

He interrupted again. When Crutchie got on a roll, there was no stopping him. “I’m not finished. She just lost her mother. The only parent she’s ever had. You know what that feels like, Jack, better than anyone. And I get that you don’t understand how a healthy parent-child relationship looks at that age, because even when your dad was alive he was an asshole. But you need to do better. You need to grow up, because she shouldn’t have to.” Crutchie took a long drink of his soda and looked like he wished it was something stronger. “Okay, _now_ I’m done.”

Jack felt like he was a dog who’d just been beaten with the morning paper because he shit on the carpet again. He wanted to fight and argue, but Crutchie was right. Every word rang true. Jack put down his drink and folded his arms on the bar. “You’re right.”

“Always am.” He waved his hand around, gesturing widely to their group of friends and raising his voice above the hubbub. “Your lives would all be a lot easier if you’d listen to me once in awhile.”

 

&&&

 

Jack dizzily climbed the stairs, ready to collapse into his bed. He had convinced Crutchie to wait at the bar for while before coming home in hopes that David would already be asleep. Luckily, he heard quiet snoring from the couch. He peeked into the living room and saw that David’s blanket had slipped into the floor and he was shivering. Jack hesitated for just a heartbeat before his alcohol-driven lack of inhibition kicked in. He snuck over and pulled the cover back up over David, making sure to tuck in his feet. David stirred slightly, but didn’t wake.

He took a quick shower and brushed his teeth to expel the lingering scent of alcohol. His phone was ringing in the bedroom, and he picked it up without checking the name. It was her, of course.

“I miss you,” she crooned into the phone.

“Miss you more,” Jack answered drowsily. “How was your day?”

He sat on his bed and let her voice lull him into complacency. He didn’t want to think about everything Crutchie had said, not tonight. He didn’t want to shoulder the blame right now that he knew was his.

A few minutes into the conversation, he heard a quiet noise from down the hallway. Was that- “Hey, I gotta go,” he said quickly. “Yeah, I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Sweet dreams.”

Jack pulled on some pajamas and a t-shirt and made his way down the hall to what was now Penny’s room. The door was opened just a crack and the subtle glow from her nightlight spilled out. Inside, he heard the now unmistakable sound a little girl’s muffled crying.

He cast his eyes to the stairs. Should he get David? David would know what to do.

_You need to do better,_ Crutchie’s voice scolded him. He blew out a frustrated breath and pushed open the door.

“Penny?”

The little girl looked up from her pillow, wet with tears. She was clearly trying to restrain her quiet sobs, but her body shook with them nonetheless. Her little face and eyes were red.

Jack’s face twisted with concern as he made his way into the room. “Hey, hey, what’s wrong?”

“I-I’m okay-” she stuttered out.

“No you’re not,” he said with a sigh, sitting on the edge of her bed. “You wouldn’t be crying if you were okay. You wanna tell me what’s going on?”

She looked down and fiddled with her blanket, then in the smallest voice- “I miss Mommy.”

Jack felt his heart shatter in his chest. What could he possibly do to ease that pain? He didn’t know. He remembered crying alone in the foster homes when he was younger. No one ever came. “You, uh… you should really get some sleep. You’ll feel better in the morning.” That was a lie.

“I can’t,” she muttered.

Jack looked at the door, longing for his bed or some backup, but then back to Penny. She needed him like he had needed someone. He couldn’t just keep walking away from her. It wasn’t fair. “What can I do?”

She looked up at him, the answer already thought out. “Mommy used to sing my lullaby if, um, if I couldn’t sleep.”

Jack scratched his head and frowned. He didn’t actually know a lot of kid songs. “I… which one is it?”

“The sunshine song.”

He considered for a moment, then realized which song she was talking about. “Yeah, okay, I actually know that one.”

 

&&&

 

David woke up in the middle of the night. He’d waited for Jack as long as he could, but had passed out eventually, tired from the day’s heavy lifting. He had wanted to talk, but he hadn’t known what he wanted to say. Spot’s talk with his was still ringing in his head. Should they be trying harder? Should he?

He wondered if Jack had ever come home. He got up and pushed back his blanket, rubbing his eyes and cracking his sore neck. Only one way to find out.

He tiptoed up the stairs, carefully avoiding the creaky spot, and made his way to the master bedroom door. He was just about to open it when he realized Penny’s door was opened, and he could hear… was that _singing_?

He quietly moved to stand outside her door, peeking in. The sight before him was… almost inconceivable.

Jack was laying on Penny’s bed, his back propped up against the headboard. Penny was snuggled into his arms, her head on his chest, as he stroked her messy hair. He was singing softly and quietly as she drifted off.

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine...”

When he reached the end of the chorus, he began it again. David just watched in disbelief, unaware of the fond smile that had snuck onto his face. A couple repetitions later, and Penny was asleep. Jack carefully moved her down onto the bed and pulled the blankets over her.

He didn’t spot David until he was halfway to the door. For a moment, they just stared at each other.

“Thank you,” David said softly.

Jack nodded and looked away, scratching his head. “I uh… I’m gonna take the couch tonight.”

“You don’t have to-”

“I really do,” Jack answered firmly.

David just nodded. “Yeah, um. Okay. Goodnight, Jack.”

“Goodnight.”

Davey disappeared into the master bedroom and shut the door behind him, leaning against it for a moment, trying to process what he’d just witnessed. It had been like looking back in time. He remembered when Jack had been sick in college and Smalls had sung that song to him. He’d grumbled about it, but they all knew he loved it.

David laid down on the too-empty bed and tried not to think about the tiny ounce of warmth creeping into his heart.


	5. Questionnaire

Jack was pulled out of his sleep by someone calling his name from nearby. He blinked a few times and then made out David standing over him, talking swiftly. He looked and sounded half-panicked.

“-has a fever, we need to take her to the doctor.”

Jack rubbed his face and nodded. “What day...” He started to ask, but his words got all jumbled together inside his pounding head and his throat scratched like sandpaper.

“It’s Saturday, how much did you drink last night?”

He tried to stand up too quickly and the world swam around him as he nearly collapsed. To his surprise, David caught him by the arm and helped him back down onto the couch before pressing the back of his hand to Jack’s forehead. When was the last time David had touched him?

David groaned. “Not you too, you’re burning up.”

“M’fine,” Jack mumbled. He just wanted to go back to sleep.

“No,” David said firmly. “We’re parents now, you have to make your health a priority. We’re all going to the doctor. Get dressed, I’ll get Penny.”

Jack stumbled up the stairs after David and fought with a pair of jeans and t-shirt for an abnormally long time before managing to get them on. David was standing in the doorway, holding Penny in his arms. She looked pitiful, and she was coughing weakly. Concern washed over him.

“She okay?”

“Come on,” David said, waving him out the door. “We gotta go.”

“How are we gonna-”

“I called Sarah, she said she has an opening in twenty minutes, _come on_.”

 

&&&

 

Jack sat in the waiting room while David took Penny back. His eyes wouldn’t open all the way, and he felt exhausted. This was no hangover, he might actually be sick. His phone buzzed and he looked at the screen for a split second before hurriedly locking it. She’d sent him a topless picture, holy shit.

“Wow,” came a disapproving voice from over his shoulder. Davey shoot there, holding a now sleeping Penny.

“I didn’t-”

“Not the time, Jack,” David said, his voice sharp and almost hateful. “They’re ready for you.”

Jack groaned and followed a nurse to the examination room. Why did he feel the need to explain himself to a man who didn’t even want him? What the hell did it matter if a pretty lady gave him the time of day when David wouldn’t? He sank into a chair and pulled his phone back out. He hovered over the text for a long time, not really looking at it, before deleting it. He didn’t know why. He didn’t know why he cared, except… had David sounded just a little… hurt?

The nurse quickly took his vitals and typed them into the computer like she was terribly bored with the whole process. Finally she handed him a clipboard with a laminated page on it and a dry erase marker. He looked up at her in confusion.

“All patients have to fill this out, Dr. Jacobs’ orders. She won’t see you if you don’t.”

He shrugged and pulled the cap from the marker, reading down the list and checking little boxes as the nurse left.

After awhile, the doctor finally arrived. Her entire demeanor towards Jack was ice cold. “Jack,” she said.

“Good to see you, Sarah,” he muttered sarcastically.

She rolled her eyes and looked at the information the nurse had punched into the computer. “High fever, dizziness, sore throat. Hm. Open your mouth.” Jack obeyed and Sarah shone a pen light into the back of his throat, then nodded. “Looks like strep throat, but we’ll have to give you a swab to be sure.”

He frowned. “Is that what Penny has?”

Sarah nodded and gathered a swab test from a drawer. Jack felt like she swiped it against the back of his throat a little aggressively, but he wasn’t entirely unused to having things hit the back of his throat, so he just gave her a smug look when he didn’t gag. She sneered and placed the swab back in the solution.

A few minutes later, she looked at it and nodded. “Definitely strep. You’ll need some antibiotics, and-” She stopped dead. Her eyes had landed on the clipboard in Jack’s lap. “Can I see that?” He handed it over. She read down the list probably five times, and sighed heavily. “Jack, how long has this been going on?”

Jack blew out a breath. “I dunno, awhile. Why?”

Sarah rubbed a hand across her forehead, looking concerned and perturbed in equal measure. “Jack you answered ‘almost every day’ for several items on this questionnaire. Inability to enjoy hobbies, feeling distant from family and friends, unusual lack of appetite, dwindling sexual desire, trouble sleeping or unusual exhaustion – which one?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know, kind of both?”

She went further down the list and her voice went quiet. “Thoughts of hurting yourself. Belief that your loved ones would be better off without you.” She let out a long sigh and looked over the list again. “Look, normally this list alone isn’t enough for a diagnosis, it’s just a starting point.”

“Diagnosis, of what?”

“But I’ve known you for a long time, and I...” She looked somewhat ashamed. “I, of all people, should’ve seen it sooner. Jack I’m going to tell you something and I need you to take it very, _very_ seriously. It’s my professional and personal opinion that you’re suffering from depression.”

Jack laughed so hard he coughed and shook his head lightly. “It’s a damn questionnaire. Who the hell doesn’t feel like that?”

“Healthy people, Jack.” Sarah didn’t sound like she was joking. “Healthy people don’t feel like this.”

He took in a slow breath and shook his head, saying the first thing that came to mind. “I don’t feel sad.”

She nodded. “Some people don’t. Some people experience apathy rather than sadness. I think-”

She kept talking, kept explaining. Jack wasn’t listening anymore. Too many things were clicking in his mind that he didn’t want to click.

When Jack came out of the office, he shoved the prescription paper in his pocket before David could see it’s contents. He hadn’t decided if he was filling the second one, and he didn’t want anyone to know. Probably not ever.

“Hey, you ready?”

David looked up at him with disdain. “Yeah.” He walked out ahead of Jack, and Jack followed several feet behind.

 

&&&

 

“Take your antibiotic, Penny already took hers,” David said, tossing the bottle to Jack where he lay on the couch. He started back towards the stairs, but stopped himself. He turned back to Jack. He took a long breath and built his courage for the question he didn’t really want to ask, but needed to. “Have you slept together? You and...” He laughed bitterly. “I don’t even know her name.”

“It’s-”

“I don’t want to know it,” David interrupted. “I don’t want to know anything about her.”

Jack popped his antibiotic pill in his mouth and took a drink of water, drawing out the unpleasant moment. “No, we haven’t.”

David didn’t want to admit to the relief that washed through his heart, so he shoved it away. He convinced himself he’d have been just as happy, more-so even, to hear they _had_ had sex. Then he’d have a perfectly good excuse to sign those papers even faster. “Why not?”

Jack seemed to mull over this for a long time. “Honestly… I don’t know.”

David nodded and didn’t say another word, just turned and went up the stairs.

 

&&&

 

As soon as David was gone, Jack pulled the extra prescription bottle from his pocket. He stared at it for a long time. Maybe Sarah was crazy. It was just a silly questionnaire. He should flush these and be done with it. He shook one into his hand. Half off-white, half teal, with little numbers on the side.

He suddenly thought about his father. He thought about how he used to lay around drinking all day, and didn’t seem to care about anything but where his next bottle would come from. He thought about all the times he needed a father who was never there to begin with.

He thought about Penny. Small, helpless, so alone. Deserving of so much more. He thought about David fighting to hold everything together on his own, without Jack offering anything but resistance and more obstacles.

He thought about Smalls, who would’ve punched him in the face for the way he was acting.

What the hell. It couldn’t hurt. Jack tossed the pill into his mouth and swallowed.

 

&&&

 

Unlike Penny, who had recovered after a few days, Jack wasn’t feeling much better the next weekend. He decided it didn’t matter. He was to be included in a gallery showing and by god, he was going to be there. His body ached as he pulled on his slacks and button-up, but he managed to run a comb through his hair and look fairly decent.

He knew he couldn’t drive like this, so he called Crutchie. Crutchie was ecstatic to see the showing anyway, so of course he said yes.

When they arrived, he barely made it around one time to point his pieces out to his best friend before he got dizzy and had to find a seat on a nice, padded bench. Crutchie sank down beside him, looking grateful for the moment of rest, too.

“You’re looking pretty rough,” he said, nudging Jack’s shoulder. “You’d better not get me sick.”

“No promises,” Jack muttered, and Crutchie made a show of leaning away from him.

“Jack!” The voice was familiar, and joyful. Her voice. He looked up and she bounced over to him, all smiles.

Shit. Jack glanced at Crutchie and then back at her. “Hey, I didn’t expect-”

“I know I know, I should be at work,” she answered brightly. “But I just couldn’t stay away, I wanted to see your new stuff and you haven’t been answering my- Who’s your friend?”

Crutchie smiled politely, oblivious to the situation. “Yeah Jack, introduce us already.”

“Uh, Lilah, this is my best friend Cr- Charlie. Charlie, this is Lilah Baker. She’s kind of a fan.”

She made a cute little noise and rolled her eyes. “Understatement of the year,” she said, leaning down with the clear intention of giving him a kiss.

Crutchie’s eyes narrowed and the look he gave Jack could’ve killed him on the spot. Jack pulled away before Lilah could make contact. “I wouldn’t doll, I’m pretty sick.”

Her face crinkled up in disappointment. “You poor thing! Do you need anything?”

“No I uh… I’m just going to sit for awhile.”

She smiled and nodded. “Well I’ll leave you alone for a bit then, I want to go get a good look at your paintings. Charlie, it was lovely to meet you.”

Crutchie nodded politely to her, but the moment she turned her back and left he returned to staring daggers into Jack. When Jack didn’t look at him, he resorted to smacking him on the back of the head. “You fucking _idiot_.”

Jack pulled away, rubbing at his head. “Christ, what?”

His voice was an enraged hiss. “ _You’re cheating on David?_ ”

“It’s not like they don’t know about each other.”

Crutchie stared in disbelief for a moment before smacking him again. “That. Is. Not. Better.”

Jack grimaced and let out a groan. “Look, you don’t get it, Crutch, she actually pays attention to me, and-”

“Oh I’m sorry, did I give the impression that I care what you’re getting out of your _affair_?” Crutchie looked away, shaking his head. “I swear to God I want to hit you with this crutch right now. David deserves better.”

Now Jack was angry. “Hey, David hasn’t fucking touched me in over a year.”

“I wouldn’t either, the way you’ve been acting. Find another ride home.” Crutchie gathered his crutch and started to get to his feet, pushing away Jack when he rose to help. He almost started towards the door when he turned around and faced Jack. “Tell her to leave.”

“Excuse me? I don’t have to-”

Crutchie grabbed Jack’s face and pointed it aggressively towards the entrance. Jack’s heart stopped. David had just walked in, holding Penny’s little hand. He was looking around, but hadn’t spotted Jack yet.

“ _Fuck_.”

Crutchie let go of Jack’s face. “Do not let them run into her, Jack. Do not do that to them.”

Jack nodded and hurried over to Lilah, quickly enough that he nearly fell over. He laid a hand on her shoulder to get her attention. “You gotta go.”

She was innocently confused. “But I just-”

“My husband is here.”

Her face went white. “Oh, I. Um, I’ll call you later?”

He nodded and pointed out the back exit, which she hurried towards. Jack turned around to look for David just as Penny noticed him and grinned. David gave a cold but polite half-smile and led her over.

“Hey,” Jack said with a nervous smile. “What are you guys doing here?”

David looked around at the paintings, squinting. “I told Penny you were showing people your paintings, and she wanted to see them. I don’t...” He shook his head lightly. “I’m not sure which ones are yours. I used to always...” he trailed off.

That had kind of hurt. Even when he hadn’t seen the process, there was a time when David had always recognized Jack’s work, even in a sea of artists. “It’s uh… here, let me show you.”

 

&&&

 

David sat down on the bench while Jack carried Penny around letting her get a good view of the paintings spread on the walls throughout the room. Even after having Jack’s paintings pointed out to him, he didn’t see Jack in them at all. They were fine, but they were hollow. Not like his old work, which had always made David’s soul hurt at the beauty.

Crutchie took a seat beside him. “Haven’t seen you at one of these things in awhile.”

“Haven’t wanted to come in awhile,” David said honestly.

Crutchie nodded, then spoke quickly. “I really hate this, Davey. With you and Jack. It isn’t the way it should be.”

David looked over at him, unsurprised by his husband’s best friend offering his support. Crutchie had always been there for them both. He laid a hand on Crutchie’s and gave it a squeeze. “Thanks. But I think… I think this might be it.”

“Maybe,” Crutchie answered. “It definitely will be, if neither of you is trying.”

“You sound like Spot,” Davey said. “He thinks I just need to try harder.”

“I wouldn’t say that,” Crutchie said, sending a glare at Jack that Davey couldn’t help but notice. “I think Jack has a lot to take responsibility for.” He paused and wiped a hand across his face. “How long have you known about Lilah?”

David blinked. “Is that her name?” His heart ached. It was a pretty name, and one he suddenly never wanted to hear again.

Crutchie nodded. “For the record, I don’t approve.”

“Thank you. I don’t…” David took a breath. “I don’t know if I even care.”

He looked upset by this revelation and scooted closer to David, putting a hand on his back and rubbing gently. David relaxed into this comforting touch as Crutchie spoke. “I wanna think you do. I think… I think you don’t want to deal with how much you care, and that’s understandable.”

David looked across the room at Jack, who let out a little laugh at something Penny said. “You want to know a secret?” Crutchie nodded. “It wasn’t Penny’s idea to come today. I wanted… He used to paint his heart onto every canvas. I just wanted to see it again.” He gestured weakly to the room. “But it’s not here anymore.”


	6. Try

Two weeks after the gallery showing, Jack rubbed at his eyes and dragged himself off the couch. He’s slept there every night since the first time. It seemed only fair. In the kitchen he found Penny and David sitting at the table already having their breakfast. David looked like he was surviving on his very last drop of patience.

“Penny,” he said, his voice tired, “Yesterday you loved pop tarts.”

She pouted and shoved the silvery package away. “I want _cereal_.”

Jack listened to them go back and forth about this as he silently grabbed a bowl and poured a little cereal and milk into it. David was now laying his head on the counter, distraught. Jack pushed the bowl in front of Penny and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “Eat up then, munchkin.”

She bounced happily in her seat and dug in, shoveling the cereal she had hated a couple weeks ago into her mouth like it was her favorite.

David raised his head to look at her, then squinted at Jack. “You’re in a good mood today.”

Jack shrugged as he opened the fridge to consider it’s contents. “I’m fine, I guess.”

“Penny!” David exclaimed suddenly, and Jack whirled to see her standing atop her chair playing air guitar. “Sit down before you fall!”

“Rock stars do not sit,” she informed them dramatically, before leaping from her chair.

Jack laughed – a genuine, weightless laugh. “Even rock stars gotta eat.”

She stuck her tongue out at him and he stuck his right back, but she sat back in her chair and continued to down her cereal. David propped his head up on his hand, giving Jack a look that could only be described as suspicious. “What has gotten into you?”

Jack groaned. Why was David being so weird? “ _Nothing_ , I’m just fine is all.”

 

&&&

 

David watched in quiet amazement as Jack moved around the kitchen gathering ingredients and a pan. He couldn’t remember the last time Jack had eaten real food rather than grabbing a snack and running back to hide in his studio.

“You want eggs?” Jack asked, and David must have looked at him like he had three heads. Did Jack seriously just offer to cook for him?

“No, uh, I’m good,” he answered quickly. “I already ate.”

“Suit yourself.”

David thought about what Spot had told him for the millionth time. Those words had been ringing in his head for weeks now, but he’d set them aside after seeing that damned topless photo on Jack’s phone. Still… Jack had been getting better and better with Penny. David had caught him singing her to sleep almost every night this week, and once he’d even read her a story. Penny certainly seemed like she was sleeping better.

“We should do something this weekend,” he blurted out.

Jack dropped an eggshell in the pan in his surprise and set about trying to fish it out with his spatula. He wasn’t looking at David when he answered. “Like, as a family?”

“No,” David said slowly. “I was thinking maybe just you and I.”

Jack froze. “I… why?”

“Why not?” David asked with a shrug.

“Obviously because we’re-” He cut himself off, glancing at Penny, and rethought his words. “Because of the… _reasons_.”

David was more than a little surprised at Jack’s sudden grasp of tact. “We can worry about _reasons_ later. I’d like to go out.”

Jack turned around and raised an eyebrow doubtfully. “With _me_?” David just nodded. Jack let out a breath and turned back to his breakfast. “Yeah… I guess, okay. Why not, right?”

David looked at the time on his phone and jumped out of his seat. “Penny grab your bag, we’re going to be late again.” He helped her gather her things and rushed out the door without realizing he’d left his packed lunch on the counter.

 

&&&

 

Jack spent the whole morning in his studio, but didn’t paint a thing. He had a fairly large new canvas sitting there waiting for him, but he couldn’t bring himself to put anything on it. He just stared it down for hours as it stared back at him.

Why had David been so weird this morning? He couldn’t shake it from his mind. Couldn’t a man have breakfast without it being news? And then, he’d practically asked him on a date. What the hell was that about? The idea of sitting across a table from David trying to find things to talk about sounded horrifying. It would end in a fight, he was sure of it. David had to know that, too.

So maybe it wasn’t a date at all, he realized slowly. Maybe David was finally fed up with his shitty behavior. Maybe David was ready to hand him those signed papers, and didn’t want to do it in the home they had shared. That made more sense, and Jack hated it.

His phone buzzed and he didn’t reach for it. He just kept staring down that blank canvas as if doing so would bring his motivation back. It buzzed again, and again, and he finally picked it up and looked at the messaged. Lilah was checking in, asking what he was up to, telling him how attractive he was. She wanted to grab lunch with him today. He almost answered, but…

He looked at the time on the screen. It was nearly 11. A sudden thought struck him, and he almost discarded it immediately for it’s sheer ridiculousness. But Crutchie had said…

He opened his favorite contacts and clicked Crutchie’s face. They hadn’t spoken since the art show, and the voice on the other end still didn’t sound thrilled with him.

“What’s up?”

“Hey,” Jack said quickly. “I had this idea, and I… I need to know if it’s really stupid.” He explained his thought process and awaited an answer.

Crutchie was quiet for a long time, but when he finally spoke he sounded thrilled. “Jack, I think that’s a _great_ idea. But...” His voice fell with concern.

“What?”

He sighed on the other end. “Is she still in the picture?”

Jack swallowed. Why did that matter? “Yeah.”

Crutchie sounded so disappointed in him. “Damn it Jack, you need to kick her to to curb.”

“I can’t,” he interrupted. “It’s just… not that easy.”

“It’s easier than losing the love of your life because you’re being an asshole,” Crutchie responded harshly.

Jack considered those words. Was David still the love of his life? There had been a time he would have said yes without thinking. Now… he wasn’t so sure. He still felt something for David, he knew that. A fondness, and sense of… he shook the thought away. He couldn’t be devoted to someone so supremely uninterested in him. Lilah, she was interested. She was head over heels. She beamed when she looked at him, like Davey used to. _Almost_ like Davey used to. The corners of her eyes didn't crinkle when she smiled like his did. She didn’t pull him close and smile against his lips before every kiss. Her touch didn’t feel quite as electric.

Crutchie spoke again, interrupting his train of thought. “I gotta go Jack, the twins are crying. But that thing? Just do it, okay? Don’t overthink it. Go with your gut on this one.”

 

&&&

 

David opened the break room fridge and searched around in confusion for his lunch. IT wasn’t there. It hit him that he must have left it on the counter this morning. That was just perfect. It was going to be a nightmare trying to to get anywhere to grab food and then get back to work before his lunch break was over.

He was halfway through the parking lot digging in his pocket for his keys when he saw Jack leaning up against their car. “What are you-”

Upon hearing his voice, Jack turned and smiled, holding up a to-go bag. “You forgot your lunch, so I took the bus and brought Panda Express.”

David had no idea what to make of this. Nothing made sense. He motioned to a little green bench near the parking lot and they made their way over and sat down, a good two feet between them. Jack handed him a bowl and fork. He favorite. David stared at it like he’d never seen orange chicken and brown rice before.

He looked over at Jack. “What the hell is going on with you?”

Jack shrugged, pulled his food from the bag, and set it aside. “I just thought you might like the surprise.”

“I’m definitely surprised,” David said softly. “Is this because of this morning? Because I said we should do something this weekend? Because that wasn’t… I didn’t mean-”

Jack huffed and met his eyes. “I just wanted to do something nice for you, is that so goddamn weird?”

“Yes,” David answered instantly. “Yes Jack, that extremely weird. Because you haven’t gone out of your way to do anything nice for me in years. Because you have a fucking mistress, and-” he realized he was raising his voice and stopped talking, turning to look intently as his food.

There was a long silence before Jack slipped his food back into the bag and stood up. “I shouldn’t have come.”

“No,” David said regretfully. He wished he hadn’t had that outburst. Jack was trying. God, he was actually trying. “I just don’t understand.”

“Yeah, me neither.” Jack didn’t look back at him before taking off towards the bus stop.

 

&&&

 

Penny sat in her bed, fiddling with the ears of her little stuffed rabbit. She had shut the door, but she could still hear the angry voices from downstairs. They’d been arguing since David got home, something about lunch. They were trying to be quiet, she knew, but their voices drifted up to her nonetheless.

She laid down and pulled the covers up over her head, gripping her rabbit close to her chest. She didn’t understand. She didn’t understand why her mommy was gone. She didn’t understand why Jack and David didn’t like each other. Mush and Crutchie liked each other, a lot. That was how husbands were supposed to be, she thought. They kissed all the time, and it was gross, but they always smiled when the other one walked into the room. Jack and David just looked at each other like they were sad.

She just wanted everyone to be happy. She wondered if they used to fight before she moved in.


	7. For Penny

Jack was up earlier than usual for a Saturday morning. He sat on a little stool in his studio, staring down that same canvas as before. It still hadn’t revealed anything new to him. This was the longest he’d gone without painting in awhile, and he was starting to feel a nagging itch about it.

Lilah’s picture appeared on his phone as it buzzed. He didn’t answer. A big part of him wanted to hear her sweet voice showering him with compliments, but…

David was barely speaking to him since the lunch incident. That night they had argued about Lilah, round and round, for over an hour. David was convinced that Jack’s sudden attempt to do something nice was a result of guilt about having moved forwards sexually with Lilah. Jack tried to explain that he was wrong, but to no avail. David was fuming yet insistent that he didn’t care about her beyond the effect it might have on Penny.

Now every time Jack saw Lilah’s picture, his stomach hurt.

He finally got up and wandered to the living room to find David rushing around the house in a borderline panic. “Hey, what’s-”

“I can’t find Penny,” his voice broke over the words.

Jack suddenly felt like he couldn’t breathe. He must have misheard. “What do you mean?”

David’s voice was frantic. “I was going to wake her up because Crutchie and Mush wanted to visit with the twins, but-” tears glinted in the corners of his eyes. “She’s just gone, and I can’t find her jacket, or her bunny.” His voice was shaking and he was clearly having trouble drawing in oxygen. He wrung at his hands, his eyes pleading.

Jack crossed the room without thinking and gripped David hard by the shoulders. His voice sounded a lot more confident than he actually felt. “It’s gonna be okay. We’ll find her.”

David swallowed hard, but nodded as if he actually believed the words Jack had spoken. “We have to call the police.”

He began to fumble for his phone, but Jack shoved his into his hands instead. “You call, I’ll drive around the neighborhood, see if-”

A knock came at the door, freezing them both in their tracks for a moment before they fell all over each other trying to reach the doorknob and yank it open. There stood a very grumpy looking Crutchie, the hand not on his crutch holding an equally grumpy Penny by the shoulder as she clutched her bunny to her chest. Behind them, Mush was walking up the driveway with a pair of toddlers in his arms.

“Lose something?” Crutchie asked.

“Oh my god,” David finally breathed, his voice dripping with relief. He fell to his knees instantly and pulled Penny into his arms, but she didn’t hug him back. Jack laid a hand on the little girl’s head and every muscle in his body unwound from the tenseness he hadn’t noticed before. “Where was she?”

“We found her walking down the road,” Crutchie said quietly to Jack. “She hadn’t gotten very far.”

Mush reached the door and sat down the twins, who immediately toddled towards the living room. He slipped an arm around Crutchie’s waist. “Let’s let them talk, babe.” Crutchie nodded and the two followed after their kids.

David finally pushed Penny back a bit, holding her gently but firmly by the arms. She wouldn’t meet his eyes. “Why did you leave the house? Penny you had us so scared.”

The little girl just shrugged. Jack moved forwards and knelt next to them, putting a hand on the side of Penny’s face. “Are you okay?”

She pulled away from the touch. Still not looking at either of them, she sniffled and whispered, “I’m sorry. It’s my fault.”

David shook his head in confusion. “What’s your fault?”

Jack already had an idea of what the answer was going to be. He remembered listening to adults fight in the foster homes. He remembered the all-consuming guilt, even when it didn’t seem to be about him. Children have a way of taking blame onto themselves for every bad thing happening around them.

“You don’t love each other,” Penny whispered.  "Mommy used to say you did, but now you don't."

_It’s not your fault,_ he wanted to say. _It’s mine. I’m so sorry._ He couldn’t form the words.

David looked horrified. He opened his voice to speak, but nothing came out. He looked up at Jack helplessly, begging for him to intervene.

“None of this is your fault,” Jack managed. “You’re perfect, Penelope. You have no idea how much we both love you. Nothing else matters but you, and we are so sorry if we let you think otherwise.”

Penny finally looked up, tears shining in her little eyes. She threw one arm around each of their necks and tugged them close. Both their arms went around her, Jack’s over top of David’s. Jack never wanted to let go.

 

&&&

 

They managed to calm Penny down and convince her to play in the living room, where she immediately started telling Mush the entire life story of her rabbit. When they were sure she was okay, Jack nudged David and they disappeared upstairs to the bedroom. For a long time they just sat on opposite edges of the bed, not looking at one another.

David wanted to say something, but he didn’t know what to say or how to say it. The guilt of this morning’s events were eating him alive.

Jack was the one to finally break the silence, his voice sounding… crushed. “I’m so sorry, I-”

David blinked in surprise and shook his head, still looking at the floor. “This isn’t all on you, Jack. I haven’t exactly been guardian of the year for her, either.”

“Can you just-” Jack started to snap, but corrected his tone and started again. “Just let me apologize, okay? I’ve got too much to apologize for. It’s gonna take a lifetime as it is, and that’s without you interrupting.”

David genuinely didn’t know how to respond to that, much less how to deal with how absolutely genuine Jack sounded. He twiddled his fingers.

“I have to do better,” Jack said firmly. “I need you to know that I’m trying.”

“I do know,” David said. “I’m… I’m sorry I haven’t exactly been accommodating.”

Jack snorted. “I don’t think anyone would blame you.”

“This marriage, this relationship, this… whatever we are...” David finally turned his body towards Jack and waited until they locked eyes. “It’s about Penny now. It’s not about us. From here on out, everything we do is for her. We can’t fight and bicker and jab, we can’t be cold. We can’t drag her through hell with us.”

Jack nodded. “Couldn’t have said it better myself.”

 

&&&

 

Their first order of business had been finding a pediatric therapist for Penny. It could no longer be denied that she needed an ally outside of their broken family. Sarah recommend a great one. It was agreed that every Thursday evening while Penny was in therapy, Jack and David would spend time together working on their relationship. Neither of them really knew what they wanted beyond that they were desperate to be on the same page when it came to Penny.

Thus, the ‘date’ David had suggested was finally scheduled and moved to Thursday. Jack had tried to suggest a casual setting, but David had insisted on Jack’s favorite Italian place. He said it had been too long since they’d been there. Jack was terrified tonight would ruin this place for him.

They just… talked. Mostly about their friends, their nieces and nephews. They talked about how Les was doing in law school, how they hadn’t heard from Katherine in awhile, and about that one time Spot had the nerve to ask both Race and Albert out at the same time in front of everyone. They even laughed a little. It was weird, but nice.

Jack waited and waited for the other shoe to drop, for it to devolve into an argument, for David to pull divorce papers from thin air and slide them across the table. None of those things happened.

At the end of the night, Jack unthinkingly placed his hand on the small of David’s back as he opened the door for him. David didn’t flinch or pull away. Jack smiled despite himself.

“This was nice,” he said on the way to the car.

“It really was,” David answered, sounding a little surprised at his own words. “I’m just, I’m so glad we can do this, get along like this, for Penny.”

Jack’s heart sank a bit, though he’d never admit it to himself. He forced a smile. “For Penny,” he agreed.

 


	8. All In

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This chapter includes a description of a character having a panic attack and the aftermath. Please be aware and stay safe.

 

Davey wasn’t one to go for drinks with the guys, but when Spot had suggested they hang out that Friday night, he had to say yes. Penny was the most amazing kid, but she was a handful and he was wearing thin. Besides, the thought of Jack having to wrangle her all on his own for a night made him grin.

Spot was already a couple drinks in when David arrived, and slapped him on the back as he sat down, exclaiming his friend’s name cheerily. They weren’t far into their conversation when Spot asked, “So how’s things with Jack?”

David took a sip of his drink and considered the question for a moment. “Weird,” he finally answered. “He touched my back.”

Spot squinted, confused. “He… wait what? Is that a big deal?”

“Kind of,” he answered reluctantly. “He hasn’t touched me like that in… awhile.”

Spot still looked lost. “Touched you like how?”

“Like...” David took his hand and laid it on the small of Spot’s back with a gentle pressure. “Like this."

Spot’s eyes widened a bit and he took another drink. “Well shit. That’s downright affectionate.”

“Right?” Davey pulled his hand away and shook his head. “It was weird. And… not entirely unwelcome. But that’s probably just because I’m disgustingly touch-starved,” he said with a bitter laugh.

Spot put an arm around Davey, grinning. “I’ll touch ya. Don’t get cheeky though, my husbands are pretty jealous.”

Davey snorted a laugh. “Thanks.”

A few drinks later, Davey was spilling the details of the events of the past few weeks. “-which is so weird. I think he’s actually trying? And he _apologized_. It was like… pretty generic, but he _apologized_.”

Spot looked smug. “I told you things would get better.”

“That’s just it,” Davey said. “They aren’t. Not for me. I can see him trying, but… I don’t _feel_ it. I want to feel it again but I don’t. And then there’s this whole thing with fucking _Lilah_ ,” he said the name like it was the grossest word he could imagine.

Spot was confused again. “Wait, who?”

“Oh, Jack’s girlfriend.”

David was staring into his drink when he saw Spot standing up out of the corner of his eye and looked up. “You going somewhere?”

“Yeah,” Spot said. His voice was cold. “To kick Jack’s little bitch ass.”

David grabbed his arm and pulled him back into his seat, which wasn’t hard considering how drunk and wobbly Spot was. “Jesus, _sit down_. It's fine.”

Spot was livid. “What the hell is he doing, tryin’ to win you back while _cheating_? God I knew he was an asshole, but this is… fucked.” He downed the last of his drink and shook his head. “I take it back, don’t try for shit. Forget about him. You deserve better.”

David frowned and exhaled a long breath. “I wish it was that easy, but with Penny-”

“And the fact that you’re still crazy about him,” Spot added.

David made a face of amusement. What a ridiculous suggestion. “I’m what now?”

Spot rolled his eyes. “Don’t even try to lie to me, Jacobs. I know you.”

David turned away. “Yeah okay, you’re definitely drunk.”

 

&&&

 

David’s phone was ringing like crazy, someone was calling for the third time in a row while he was fighting to brush Penny’s hair. “Jack could you-”

“Got it,” Jack picked up the phone off the counter without looking at the screen. “Hello?”

There was a brief silence on the other end, followed by a sigh he knew too well. Her voice was flat. “Give the phone to my son, please.”

David must’ve known who it was based on the look on Jack’s face, because he reached for the phone instantly and handed Jack the hairbrush. Jack began the impossible task of trying to clear the tangles from Penny’s hair without making her yelp in pain.

“Hey mom,” David said, leaning back on the counter. “What’s-” He was interrupted, and his face and voice suddenly grew tired. “I… I know, Mom. I should have told you. No, I- Mom it’s not that simple. We are. Yeah, he is. No, I can’t just- it doesn’t work that way, Mom. That’s not fair.” She must’ve said something awful, because Davey looked brow-beaten. He was barely audible now as he walked out of the kitchen.

“Ponytail or pigtails?” Jack asked Penny.

She thought for a moment, then, “Pigtails please!”

Jack set about forming a very lopsided set of pigtails, and by the time he tapped Penny on the head to let her know he was done, David had walked back into the room. “Yeah, I know. I love you too, Mom. I’ll talk to you later.” He hung up the phone and looked at Penny. “Sweetie why don’t you go up to your room and play for awhile, okay?”

Penny nodded and bounced out of the room and up the stairs.

When she was gone, David looked back at Jack. “Sarah told mom that we have custody of Penny.”

Jack winced. He had been afraid of that. David and his mother weren’t exactly on speaking terms, but Sarah and Les spoke to their mother nearly every day. It was bound to come up sooner or later. “What’d she have to say? I almost don’t wanna know.”

“About what you would expect,” David said with a sigh, rubbing at his crinkled brow. “That I have no business raising an innocent child in the house with my gay lover.”

Jack almost laughed. He might have if David hadn’t looked so torn apart. “Well I’m bi and we haven’t been lovers in awhile, so I have no idea what the hell she’s talking about.”

Davey did laugh. It was half-hearted but it definitely counted. “You remember when Dad was alive and they just… didn’t call? Sometimes I miss that.” It was meant to be a joke, but Jack could see Davey falling apart. Without thinking, Jack stepped over to him and put a hand on his shoulder. David gave him a weak smile and laid his own hand over Jack’s.

 

&&&

 

Jack was staring at that damned canvas again, the same one as before, when it finally _finally_ spoke back to him. He grabbed his paints and went to work immediately, trying to pour his thoughts onto the canvas before they could escape him.

He almost vibrated with the intensity of the feelings coursing through him. None of them were good, but each and every one fueled him. He spilled them into his work with abandon. He hadn’t felt like this while painting in… he wasn’t sure he ever had.

He didn’t know how long it was before he was standing back, his arms and face splotched with paint, staring his mother staring back at him. He couldn’t remember her himself, but he had enough pictures to form a composite in his mind. Her smile shone back at him, her eyes full of love.

He didn’t notice his heartbeat and breath quickening until he was nearly gasping for air. His chest hurt, his head hurt, everything hurt. His vision was going fuzzy as tears filled his eyes. Rage and regret bubbled up in him until he could feel nothing else. Jack marched up to the still-wet painting, lifted it in his arms, and hurled it across the room. It slammed against the wall and the wood it was stretched over splintered and shattered.

He didn’t realize he was screaming incoherently until David rushed into the room. He was calling out to him, asking what was wrong, but Jack didn’t know. His screams turned to sobs that caught in his throat before being dragged from his body. He didn’t know he was collapsing until he hit his knees, his arms wrapped around his stomach. He was barely aware that Davey was kneeling before him, hands on his shoulders, shaking him.

 

&&&

 

It took what seemed like forever to calm Jack down. Calm wasn’t even the word for it. He was practically catatonic as David led him carefully up the stairs. In the door of her bedroom, a frightened looking Penny asked what the noise was. Unsure what to say, David told her Jack had seen a spider and everything was okay now. He guided Jack into the master bedroom and closed the door behind him.

David didn’t ask what was wrong. He’d seen the painting.

“What do you need,” David asked softly.

Jack just stood there, silent, staring through him.

David took the initiative, since Jack was clearly in no position to do so. He walked Jack to the bathroom and slowly, carefully, helped him undress before urging him to climb into a warm shower. For a long time Jack just stood under the water. He finally looked over at David with shame and embarrassment in his eyes, so David left and went to sit on the bed.

He called Crutchie immediately and asked him to come pick up Penny for awhile. Use the key under the mat, don’t come in the bedroom. Don’t ask why. Crutchie was concerned, but agreed.

When Jack came out he still had smudges of paint on him and his hair was dripping. David grabbed a towel and dried his hair, rubbing at some of those splotches before giving up. Jack finally just climbed into the bed and pulled the covers over himself. He looked so tired. David turned to leave him be.

“Stay,” came a quiet voice, hoarse from screaming. “Please.”

David considered for a long moment before finally turning and going to lie on the bed. He stared at the ceiling while Jack faced away from him, watching the wall. After awhile David felt a hand reach back and take his. He gave it a gentle squeeze.

 

&&&

 

David’s hand still held his when Jack woke up in the middle of the night. David was sleeping peacefully, and Jack chose not to disturb him. For a long time he just held his hand before finally climbing out of the bed and putting on some sweatpants.

David had cared for him as tenderly as if none of this shit had ever happened. He had been so patient. Jack hated himself for subjecting David to that, for forcing him to be so selfless when Jack didn’t deserve any of it.

He made his way downstairs and back into his studio. His painting was irreversibly ruined. It had partially folded in on itself and the colors had mixed and smudged together. He slowly, carefully cleaned up the mess and took it to the dumpster.

When he came back in, he noticed his phone was still laying on the table beside his chair. He picked it up and was greeted with a notification of three missed calls. All of them were from Lilah. He opened her picture on his phone and fell into his chair, staring at her for a long time before finally calling back.

“There you are!” chimed her beautiful voice. “I’ve been worried. I’m so happy you called.”

“Lilah...” he said softly. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

There was a silence, then confusion. “What do you mean?”

His voice was steadier than he thought it would be. “This has to end. You can’t… you can’t call me anymore. We can’t see each other.”

“I don’t understand. I just… why are you doing this?”

The words tumbled from his lips before he could stop them or consider them, but they were achingly true. As true as they ever had been. “I love my husband.”

The line went silent as she hung up without another word. Jack deleted and blocked her number. He felt so afraid, but this was right. He knew it was. If he was going to do this, he had to be all-in regardless of of whether David was or not. That was the only hope he had.


	9. Confessions

When David awoke, Jack was still in the bed – though he was vaguely aware that Jack had left and come back sometime during the night. He must have, his phone was on the bedside table next to – a pill bottle?

David’s stirring roused Jack, who looked at him for a moment before sitting up and following his questioning gaze to the pill bottle on the nightstand. Jack sighed as if regretfully, and picked up the bottle. He looked at it, rattled it a few times, then held it out for David without meeting his eyes.

He wasn’t sure entirely what he expected to read on that bottle, but it certainly wasn’t a prescription for Prozac 20mg in Jack Kelly’s name. His eyes shot to Jack and back to the bottle as he tried to process this new information.

“Jack...” he said softly. “Why didn’t you-” Jack gave him a look, and David knew it’s meaning. They didn’t tell each other anything, so why this? “Right. Still, I wish you’d told me.”

“Why?” Jack asked with a shrug. “No big deal.”

“What’s your diagnosis, exactly?”

“Clinical depression,” Jack answered quietly.

“That _is_ a big deal.”

Jack stretched, trying too obviously to look casual. “It’s not your problem, David. We’re not exactly-” he cut himself off and stood up. “Just don’t worry about it, okay?” He disappeared into the bathroom and shut the door behind him.

David turned the bottle over and over in his hand. He wanted to call Sarah and chew her out for not telling him about this – she had to have been the one to diagnose him - but he knew she didn’t have a choice.

He wasn’t sure if this changed anything. He wasn’t sure what it meant for this pathetic little family. He called to Jack. “When did you start taking these?”

Jack called back a date and David worked backwards in his mind. Their date, the touch, and the lunch incident had all happened after the medication. But he had started singing to Penny before that. What did that mean? Did it mean anything?

David was sure it mattered, but he wasn’t sure why.

 

&&&

 

“I just don’t think I should be taking this stuff,” Jack said again. “It’s not working.”

Sarah sighed heavily. “Jack, you don’t know that yet. It’s too soon to tell for sure, these things take time.”

“You didn’t see me last night,” he responded. “By the time David got me to bed-” Her eyebrow raised. “Not like that, he just… he was taking care of me.”

Sarah looked genuinely surprised. “That’s… a big step for you two.”

“It’s not a big anything, he was just being nice so I wouldn’t scare Penny. Are you going to switch my meds or not?”

She frowned at him. “No, I’m not. Jack, there is an adjustment period for these kinds of medications. It’s perfectly normal to experience mood swings and panic attacks before the drug starts actually working for you in a steady, dependable way.”

Jack wasn’t happy with that answer. “I can’t do last night again, Sarah.”

“You might have to,” she said, laying a hand on his. Jack almost jumped at the contact. “Look, I know I’ve never liked you. I still don’t, for the record. But I love my brother, and I _know_ he loves you. That makes you my family, and it means I’m going to make damn sure you get better.”

Jack just shook his head. “You’re wrong. About the ‘love’ thing, anyway.”

Sarah rolled her eyes and went back to typing on her computer. “Don’t be so dense, Jack, honestly. And if you feel an ounce of love for my brother, then for crap’s sake, _do not_ stop taking those pills. If you can’t do it for yourself that’s fine, do it for him and Penny.”

Jack shifted in his chair and sighed. “Fine, I’ll give it a month.”

She gave a satisfied nod. “That’s all I ask.”

 

&&&

 

David was swamped with work that seemed to have no end. Being good at your job didn’t get you promotions or raises, he thought bitterly, it just got you more work.

He was turned the other way when he heard something somewhat heavy being set down on his desk, and groaned at the certainty that it was a large stack of paperwork to accompany the ones already covering his desk. Yet when he turned around his coworker was grinning from ear to ear, and there was before him a glass vase of red roses.

He looked up at her questioningly. “Amelia, what-”

She interrupted him, giddy. “They were left downstairs for you. Isn’t that sweet?”

David was still lost as he took a little card from a stick in the bouquet and slipped it from the tiny envelope.

_Thank you so much for last night. I didn’t deserve it. I know these won’t make anything up to you, but I gotta start somewhere. - Jack._

David probably read that card a hundred times that day just to prove to himself that he hadn’t misunderstood it.

 

&&&

 

Jack spent all day painting. His muse was finally speaking to him again, and it seemed he couldn’t stop having ideas now that he’d started. For hours on end he painted and painted. At the end, there were a few landscapes and one portrait of Smalls which he intended to be one of the gifts for Penny’s fast approaching birthday.

As he admired his work he realized how weak and dizzy he felt. He figured he should probably eat something, so he finally left his studio and headed for the kitchen. The sight there made him stop in his tracks.

Penny was laying on the floor coloring while David stepped over her, finishing up some meal that smelled amazing. In the center of the table were the roses he’d sent David that morning. Three place settings surrounded it.

“Oh, hey Jack,” David said with a smile. “Dinner’s ready, go on and sit down. Penny honey, table please. You can finish your picture later.”

Jack made his way to his seat in a kind of daze which only got worse as David served him his food. Seasoned salmon on a bed of rice and veggies. One of Jack’s favorite things that David _used_ to cook for him.

“I love fish!” Penny exclaimed excitedly. David laughed and kissed her head before setting the pan down and joining them.

This had to be because of last night. David was feeling sorry for him. God, that was almost worse than David hating him. Jack leaned over to David, speaking quietly as Penny did that little thing where she bounced as she ate food she liked. “David, you don’t have to-”

“I know,” he said with a simple smile. “So, how was your day?”

Jack opened his mouth to say something – he wasn’t sure what – but Penny beat him to it.

“Tyler was mean to me again,” she said plainly, “but it’s okay because I showed him.”

“What did he do?” Jack demanded, eyes narrowing.

“What did _you_ do?” David asked in concern.

Penny stuffed her mouth full of rice and attempted to talk through it. “Tyler, um, said that his mommy told him that I don’t have a daddy.” She swallowed her mouthful and looked up proudly, kicking her legs under the table. “But I told him I have _TWO_.”

Jack and David both just stared at Penny for a long time. She seemed completely unaware as she continued eating. When they finally looked at each other, David had tears sparkling in the corners of his eyes and Jack was wearing the stupidest grin. David wiped them away quickly and reached out a hand to Penny’s shoulder. “Penny, honey. I know we haven’t talked about whether you wanted to call Jack and I ‘dad’ or not. But it’s okay if you don’t.”

Penny looked confused. Her voice faltered a little. “Don’t you wanna be my daddies?”

“Yes!” both men said at the exact same time. They were desperate to take away the doubt in her voice and the hurt in her eyes, but they weren’t just humoring her. For Jack is was as true as it could be, and he could hear the honesty in David’s tone too.

Penny looked from Jack to David and back to Jack, then smiled widely. “I never had one before. I like it.” She dug back into her food as David and Jack both relaxed. “Tyler is a butt head. But he only has one daddy, so I win.”

Jack laughed, and when he looked to David he found they were laughing together.

 

&&&

 

After dinner Penny ran upstairs to get ready for bed and David set about cleaning up. It was a pleasant surprise to find Jack at the task with him, loading the dishwasher as David put away the leftovers.

“I can’t believe we both got promoted to ‘dad’,” Jack said with a laugh. He sounded so damn happy.

David couldn’t blame him. His own heart was so full. “She never fails to amaze me.”

Jack closed the dishwasher and set the cycle, then leaned back against the counter. He shook his head slowly. “I don’t understand how much I love that kid. I’ve never loved anything so much in my life. It’s like… like she’s the whole universe.”

David smiled fondly. Jack was at his most beautiful when he was drowning in love. He shook the thought away. “I know the feeling.” A thought came to him with no right or permission, and his stomach turned. “Jack… about Lilah-”

He had been going to say that Jack needed to be straight with him. He’d been going to say that it was okay whatever Jack wanted to do with her, as long as he was honest about it. He’d been going to say that he hated it, but he could live with a roommate who had a lover, if he had to. As long as there were no more secrets. As long as Penny never found out.

But Jack interrupted him before any of that could come out.

“Lilah’s not really a thing anymore.”

David blinked. His body went stiff from the intensity of some emotion he couldn’t or didn’t want to put a name to. “What do you mean?”

Jack looked away from him and shrugged. “I ended it. I never should’ve started it.” The words were almost too casual. David just looked at him. Jack must’ve thought the look was incredulous, because he dug out his phone and held it out to David, speaking without any hint that he was joking. “I deleted her, blocked her, got rid of everything. The pictures included. You can check, if you want. I don’t wanna have anything to hide anymore.”

David stared at the phone for a moment before shaking his head softly. “No, I… I believe you.” Jack twiddled with his cell a moment longer before slipping it back into his pocket. He still wasn’t looking at David. “Why did you...?”

Jack stared into the floor and shrugged again. “It’s just not what I want. I don’t think it ever really was.”

“Jack,” David said, a bit demanding. “What _do_ you want?”

Finally Jack looked up and their eyes met. Jack’s voice was filled with an aching, painful sincerity. “Something I don’t deserve.”

David knew what he meant, but tried to convince himself for a moment that he meant something different. He could force no other explanation into those words, as hard as he tried. He opened and closed his mouth. He couldn’t find the words he wanted. Instead he looked away and headed out of the kitchen a little too quickly. “I’m going to get some sleep, I’ve got an early morning.”

He didn’t see Jack’s face or reaction. He didn’t want to. He could feel the hurt hanging in the air around them and he had to get away from it.

David left the smallest crack in the door of the master bedroom that night. When he heard Jack coming up the stairs he snuck over near the door and slid down the wall to sit just out of sight. He listened as Jack quietly sang Penny to sleep, and tried not to assign any particular meaning to the tears rolling down his cheeks.


	10. Touch

Jack nearly tripped over himself in his excitement while rushing to the door. He yanked it open with the biggest smile on his face to reveal the one and only Miss Medda Larkin. She just chuckled and opened her arms wide as Jack sank into a hug.

“Oh honey, it’s been too long,” she said, placing a kiss atop his head the same way he always did to Penny.

“Medda!” David exclaimed from behind them. “God, it’s good to see you.”

Medda didn’t waste a moment moving into the house to pull David into a big hug too. “You too, sweetheart.” She nodded towards Jack. “Don’t let this one fail to have me over for so long again, alright?”

“I promise,” David responded with a little laugh.

“Now,” she said, removing her hot pink jacket and handing to to Jack to hang up, “Where’s my grandbaby?” Penny made her way up to Medda, and they smiled at each other. “Well hello darling. I’m your Nana Medda.”

Penny giggled as Medda lifted her up. “I never had a Nana before,” she said happily.

“Well sometimes it takes my family a minute to find me,” she said, winking at Jack. “But once I’ve got you, I’ll never let go.”

 

&&&

 

When the four of them arrived at the combination pizza place/arcade, most of their friends and several of Penny’s classmates were already there. Henry tried to greet them from behind a comically large, glittery wrapped package as they ran into each other on the way in.

It had been Penny’s idea to have her birthday at the arcade. Smalls used to bring her here every weekend. Penny loved the lights and sounds, and they even had one of those play areas with the giant tubes and slides. David noticed with the least bit of surprise ever that Race was already crawling through one of the higher tubes laughing as Albert chased him and Spot rolled his eyes from below.

They found their reserved tables very easily – the staff had decorated them with streamers and balloons on every chair. Penny was nearly vibrating with excitement when she saw the huge stack of presents awaiting her. She looked up at David, her eyes pleading to rip open the shiny packages.

David smiled at her and shook his head. “Not yet baby girl. First food, then presents.”

Penny huffed, but then looked hopeful. “Pineapple pizza?”

“Of course,” Jack answered, sneaking up from behind and tickling her ribs as she giggled. “Birthday princess gets whatever she wants.”

“Speaking of which,” Mush said as he walked over, “We gotta be sure everyone knows how important you are.” He placed an especially sparkly metal and rhinestone tiara on her head, and her eyes lit up.

“Thank you Uncle Mush!”

By the time the cake came around, everyone but Penny was already stuffed on pizza. This didn’t stop them from all politely taking a small slice as soon as the candles were blown out. Penny had a ridiculously large piece that made Jack worry for her ability to sleep tonight – but what the hell he thought, it’s her birthday.

Penny tore through her presents with abandon, getting equally high-pitched and squealing over each and every one. The unicorn plush from Crutchie and the toy megaphone from Race were the biggest hits, though Jack had shot Race a look of disapproval at the latter. Race had looked downright smug as Penny screamed into the megaphone to hand her the next gift.

“Here, open this one,” Jack said, placing his carefully wrapped painting in front of her. When she ripped it open to reveal her mother’s face, she stopped in her tracks. For a moment Jack worried it had been a bad idea, but then Penny stood upon her chair to threw her arms around his neck.

“Thank you, Daddy Jack!”

The whole group smiled at them ecstatically despite having already heard from Jack about a dozen times that he was ‘Daddy’ now.

 

&&&

 

Once it was clear that none of the staff got paid enough to drag Race kicking and screaming out of the play place, Jack hadn’t been able to resist following Penny into the maze of tubes. David laughed as he saw Jack bump his head through out of the concave plastic windows. What an overgrown kid.

“So,” he heard Medda say, “I see things have been getting better between you two.”

David looked over at her in surprise. “Jack told you about-”

She gave him a look. “Sweetheart, I don’t need to be _told_ anything.”

David looked back up at Jack as several children tackled him into the ball pit and he made a show of being too weak to fight back. “It’s been… different. I’m not sure about better.”

“You weren’t looking at him like _that_ last time I saw you,” Medda said knowingly.

Spot had arrived beside them, looking amused. “You sure as hell weren’t.”

David crossed his arms and shook his head. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“You know,” Spot said to Medda, “I think he really doesn’t.”

Medda smiled and patted David on the arm before walking back to their table. “He’ll figure it out,” she called back.

“Hey,” Spot said quietly, “I’m sorry I got so worked up when you told me about Jack’s woman. It wasn’t my place to tell you to drop him. I just got so pissed that-”

“He dumped her,” David said, eyes still watching Jack.

“He did what?”

“Yeah,” he answered. “He told me last night.”

“And you believe him,” Spot asked doubtfully.

David nodded. “I don’t know why, but I do. He seemed… he’s been so different, Spot.” He wanted to mention Jack’s diagnosis, but refrained. It wasn’t his business to share. “Good different.” He shifted uncomfortably.

“Oh,” Spot said as if things were clicking in his head. “And you don’t know how to deal with it. I, uh… I’ve been there.” He motioned to Albert and Race. “Sometimes when it gets good again, you have a hard time trusting it.”

“Yeah,” David said softly. “He practically told me he wants to be together again.”

“Holy shit,” Spot breathed. “That’s huge.”

“I don’t know what I want, Spot.”

Spot laid a hand on his shoulder. “Are you letting yourself figure it out?”

David didn’t know how to answer that. He knew the answer, but he didn’t want to state it. He hadn’t been letting himself process any of this. He’d been shoving it down and burying it. He’d been both smiling and crying more than he wanted to admit. Maybe it _was_ time to figure out what he wanted here.

 

&&&

 

This time, David stood in Penny’s doorway and watched as Jack sang Penny to sleep. It took longer than usual because Penny was restless from the day’s activities, but David didn’t mind. He could’ve listened to Jack sing and watched him hold Penny close for hours. There was something so unbearably beautiful about this moment that David couldn’t stop coming back to.

When they shut the door and left her to sleep, Jack was smiling. “I think we did pretty good today.”

“We did,” David agreed with a smile. Jack started towards the stairs, and David spoke a bit louder. “Stay up here tonight.”

Jack didn’t turn around at first, but David saw his entire body language change. “I’m not putting you on the couch again.”

“Neither am I,” David said plainly.

Now Jack turned, looking surprised and confused. He opened his mouth to ask something, but David had already disappeared into the bedroom. When he turned again Jack was standing there, watching him.

David didn’t put much thought into what he did next. He walked up to Jack and hooked his index and middle finger in the hem of Jack’s pajama pants, giving a gently tug. Jack shivered, but leaned in obediently so David could kiss him.

He smiled against Jack’s lips. God, he’d missed this. He’d missing touch, he’d missed kissing, and he’d missed Jack. He’d only intended to kiss him, to get some measurement of whether he felt anything, but he couldn’t stop once he’d started. Now he’d pulled Jack’s t-shirt over his head and his hands held Jack’s face.

“Wait,” Jack said, pulling away. “Davey, you don’t want-”

“Don’t tell me what I want,” David said firmly, diving back into the kiss. Jack didn’t resist again, and didn’t argue when David pulled him down onto the bed.

 

&&&

 

They hadn’t fucked in ages, and they hadn’t made love in longer. But god, that was what this felt like. Making love. Jack didn’t understand why this was happening, but he didn’t care. He was kissing his David, and with every brush of skin and skin David almost looked at him like he used to.

Jack’s heart ached to confess his newfound truth. That he loved his husband, that he always had, that he would willingly spend his entire life striving to deserve this. But he feared the reaction and possible rejection, and he was unwilling to give up the feeling of David’s fingers tangled in his hair. So instead, he set about expressing his love in every other way he knew how. He lavished David with affection and spoiled him with touch, and each time David tried to return the favor he just heaped more love upon him instead.

This was about David, not him.

When they were finished, Jack wrapped his arms around his husband and held him close. He thought he might love the feeling of holding David again more than he’d loved what came before.

After a long moment, he heard David whisper. “This doesn’t mean-”

“Shh,” Jack whispered. “I know.”

He did know. This changed nothing. David was still hurting, and Jack was still at fault. Jack still had a lot of apologizing to do. They were still broken.  There were still divorce papers in the desk downstairs.

Maybe David was touch-starved and Jack was convenient, or maybe he was just horny. It didn’t matter. Jack would worry about that later. For now David was falling asleep in his arms, and no insecurity in his soul could persuade him not to revel in this moment.


	11. Love is Complicated

David was sleeping peacefully in his arms, but Jack was still awake. He was completely unwilling to give in to his sleepiness and let go of this moment. When David woke up there was every chance he would be regretful, and Jack wasn’t prepared.

He must have laid there holding his husband for hours. Listening to his breathing, burying his face in that soft dark hair. He closed his eyes and pretended they were back in college. Curled up in his little twin bed in the dorms. Poor and tired, but happier than they’d ever been. So in love. He tried to pretend that David still loved him that way.

Jack wiped tears from his eyes and laid David down on the bed, managing not to wake him. He wondered if there would ever be a time he didn’t have to pretend.

When he slipped out of his room, he found Penny in the hallway rubbing at her eyes. She looked at him, confused. “Is Daddy David on the couch…?”

“No, um,” Jack struggled for words. “Why are you up, baby?”

She shrugged. “I’m thirsty.”

Jack took her little hand and they went downstairs to the kitchen. “Milk?”

“Yes please,” she said through a yawn.

Jack poured two glasses and sat down, sliding one across the table to her. “You gonna tell me why you’re awake?”

Penny shifted in her chair nervously. “Why do Crutchie and Mush kiss so much?”

“Because they love each other,” Jack answered simply. He wasn’t sure where this was going.

“I saw Spot kissing Race, but then I saw Race kissing Albert.”

Jack smiled. “You know Spot kisses Al too.” She looked more confused than ever, so Jack went on. “All three of them love each other. Didn’t your mom ever tell you that?”

She nodded slowly. “Mommy told me, but… most people are in love with one person, right?”

He shrugged. “Love is complicated, baby girl. Spot, Albert, and Race are really happy together.”

She thought for a second. “People who love each other should get married,” she decided finally.

Jack laughed softly. “Yeah, they should. If they want to.”

She was quiet for a moment, then, “What about when people don’t love each other?”

“What do you mean?”

“Why did you marry Daddy?”

Jack felt his back stiffen. He didn’t know how to have this conversation with a little girl. Should he send her back to bed? No, she was smart. He just had to find a way to say it. “When David and I got married, we loved each other more than anything in the whole world.”

She nodded slowly. “Miss Helen says sometimes grown ups stop loving each other, but it doesn’t mean they don’t love me.”

He took a long breath. Penny was discussing them with her therapist. God. “Sometimes one person messes up. They make mistakes. And it makes things harder than they should be. I… _I_ messed up, Penny. I hurt David’s feelings.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know,” he answered. “I made bad choices I shouldn’t have made, and I have to fix them.”

Penny was drawing figures in the condensation on her milk glass. “Is that why you don’t love each other?”

“Hey,” Jack reached across the table to take her hand in his. “I’m so sorry you have to know any of this, okay? But don’t… don’t ever think I don’t love David. I love him almost as much as I love you. And I can’t promise anything, but… I’m trying to make things better. I’m trying to show him how much I love him, and that’s...” He could feel tears in his eyes, and tried to blink them away. “That’s because of you, baby girl. You make me want to be the best man I can ever be.”

Penny took a drink of her milk and licked her lips, taking a moment to think before asking her next question. “Do you think Daddy David will love you again?”

“I hope so,” Jack said honestly. “But you know what? We’re a family, and we’re always going to love you. No matter what. That’s a promise I can make."

 

&&&

 

Hiding behind the wall next to the archway into the kitchen, David wiped the tears from his cheeks. He had known Penny would ask eventually, and that she wouldn’t take ‘when you’re older’ for an answer. In the absence of truth, children will make up their own stories to believe.

He wasn’t sure how he would have had this conversation with her, but he was glad Jack had handled it the way he did. He was glad Jack had shared a pretty lie about still being in love with him.

_Was it a lie? Of course it was. Don’t be an idiot, David._

Then again, last night hadn’t felt like a lie.

 

&&&

 

“Would you just trust me,” Jack asked him with a laugh.

David grumbled, but agreed. Jack had insisted on tonight’s date night being a surprise. David hated surprises. He liked plans and organization, but… Well, Jack had always at least come up with some good ones.

He started to get suspicious when they entered the park, and by the time they were walking under the all-too familiar trees in a secluded little corner, he had a good idea what Jack was up to. Sure enough, they came upon a perfectly prepared little picnic, completely with gingham blanket and a woven basket. It looked exactly like it had the day Jack had proposed.

David rolled his eyes, but smiled. “Really, Jack?”

“I know it’s dumb,” Jack said with a sheepish shrug. “But we’re trying to be a team again, right? This is where we were at our best.”

He hesitated for a moment, but sat down on the blanket. Jack looked almost giddy as he took a pair of glasses and a bottle of sparkling grape juice from the basket.

David accepted his glass and held it out for Jack to fill. A sudden concern hit him. “Is this because of the other night?” They hadn’t discussed what had happened in their bedroom after the party, but they had continued to share the bed. David was careful not to touch Jack as he drifted off, but every morning this week he’d awoken with his body pressed against Jack’s.

Jack looked intently at the glass as he poured. “This isn’t because of anything, you just deserve a nice date once in awhile. Even if it’s gotta be with me.”

He spoke quickly. “What happened was-”

“David,” Jack interrupted. “I’m not stupid enough to think it changed anything for you, okay? It was… we both needed it. It’s okay if that’s all it was for you.”

David took a long sip and enjoyed the bubbles on his tongue before speaking again. He almost didn’t want to ask this question. “Is that all it was for you?”

Jack sighed, and finally met his eyes. “You know it wasn’t.”

Now David was the one to look away. “I’m sorry if… I didn’t mean to take advantage.”

His voice was soft. “What did you mean to do, exactly?”

David didn’t know if he should answer that question. He hadn’t been really honest with Jack in a long time. So why start now? But then again, why _not_ now? “I wanted to see... to see if I felt anything.”

Jack just watched him. “Did you?”

Suddenly David smiled, a bit embarrassed. “You were there, what do you think?”

He looked positively stunned. “Well. Shit.”

David knew Jack’s next question would be to ask him what he felt, and he wasn’t ready to decide that yet. So he silenced him by scooting closer and kissing Jack gently on the lips. Just a peck. Jack wasn’t satisfied, and put his arm around David to pull him back. With David getting lost in Jack’s kisses, his glass slipped out of his hands.

He jumped away. “Shit, the blanket!”

“ _Fuck_ the blanket,” Jack said emphatically, and David couldn’t help laughing as Jack drew him back in for more.

 

&&&

 

“Crutchie, I need your help,” David whispered into the phone.

“It’s like, midnight,” Crutchie lamented.

“I know and I’m so sorry, but you’re Jack’s best friend and I don’t know who else to-”

Crutchie groaned. “What did he do?”

“It’s what I did. Well, what _we_ did.”

“Jesus Christ,” he sounded suddenly very awake. “You didn’t-”

“We did. After Penny’s birthday party. It just happened,” he shook his head. “No, it didn’t just happen, I made it happen.”

“What about Lilah?”

David blinked. He kept forgetting who was up to date on which information. “Jack dumped her, and then he told me he wanted to be with me.”

“If he doesn’t start telling me shit again I’m going to lose my mind.” There was the sound of Mush mumbling in the background and Crutchie hushing him. “Why do you need my help?”

David looked at the door to Jack’s studio and bit his lip. “Because I want to do it again.”

“Oh my god, that’s _really_ none of my-”

“He told Penny that he’s in love with me.” David added quickly. “I think he was only saying to make her feel better, but I… what if he wasn’t? What if we start sleeping together again and I don’t ever love him back and it destroys him?”

There was a long pause, and when Crutchie spoke again he sounded downright irritated. “What if _you_ don’t love _Jack_? That’s what you woke me up to ask me?”

David couldn’t understand why his friend’s voice was dripping with sarcasm. “Yes.”

Crutchie let out a long breath. “Davey, listen to me. Fuck Jack, okay? Just do it. You don’t need anyone’s permission to have sex with your husband, who by the way you are _definitely_ already in love with. I’m going back to sleep.”

“I am _not_ -"

“Goodnight, David.” The line went silent.

David paced the floor for several minutes before finally giving up and knocking on the door to Jack’s studio. When Jack told him to come in, he slipped inside to see- oh. Jack was wearing sweatpants and a tank top, paint splattered all over his skin. He looked gorgeous. His attention was buried entirely in the piece he was painting, so David made his way over to the chair and sat down. He knew better than to interrupt.

It was probably half an hour later when Jack laid down his brushes, looking satisfied. “So, what did you-” as he turned to David his voice died. David was already out of the chair moving towards him while lifting his own shirt off over his head. Jack took him by the hips and pulled him in hard. When their kiss broke, Jack was breathless. “So is this a thing now?”

David sighed. “Please for the love of God, _stop_ asking me questions like that and take your damn shirt off.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is beginning to wind down, and I finally have a vision of where it's going to end. But I've had such amazing and beautiful people commenting and supporting me here! As a thank you, I wanted to ask you all to tell me things, small or large, you'd like to see happen before the end of the story. I can't promise I'll include every idea, but I will include those that mesh well with the existing vision. I may include this as a "bonus content" chapter or it may end up in the main story. You've all given me so much and I want to give a little something back. <3
> 
> And no, I don't know how many chapters are left, unfortunately. However many it takes me to tell the story. :P


	12. Her

Davey yawned and stared at the massive wall of pop tarts, wondering which ones Penny might actually eat this week. Her favorite seemed to change with no warning. He felt like he should’ve brought her with him, but she and Jack had been curled up on the couch watching The Mummy and he just didn’t have the heart to interrupt them.

Just as he stepped forwards to reach for cherry – it was a safe bet – he bumped into someone walking past.

“Oh gosh, I’m sorry!” he said quickly. “I didn’t see you.”

“No no, you’re-” She looked up at him from behind long curls and the blood seemed to run out of her face. “David.” She stared at him for a moment, then shook her head quickly.

As she begun to move on, he turned and followed her with his eyes. “I’m sorry, do I know you? I’m awful with faces.”

“No,” she said without looking back. She was quickening her pace. “I don’t think so.”

A light went on in David’s head and he suddenly felt very, very sick. He wasn’t sure how he knew, but he knew. “…Lilah?”

She froze in her tracks, body visibly stiff from head to toe. After a small sigh, she turned to face him, but didn’t look him in the eyes. She _nearly_ looked appropriately ashamed. “I didn’t think you knew my name.”

David just stared at her. He wasn’t sure what to do next. His husband’s former mistress stood before him, and she was completely gorgeous.

He hated her.

“Look,” she said softly, and David could hear the halfhearted apology on her tongue.

“Don’t,” he snapped. The anger in his voice surprised him, but he lowered his volume so as not to be heard by any other customers. “Don’t you dare. There is _nothing_ you can say.”

She swallowed hard and nodded. “You’re a lucky man, to be loved by Jack Kelly.”

He turned away from her, but was certain to make his voice loud enough to be heard. “Stay the fuck away from my family.”

 

&&&

 

“You wanna watch the second one?” Jack yawned a little as the credits rolled, but Penny was so warm and cozy in his arms under the throw blanket that he wasn’t ready to send her to bed just yet. He knew she’d fall asleep soon regardless, but he didn’t mind carrying her upstairs.

Her sleepy little eyes opened in surprise. “There’s a second one?”

Jack laughed. “Yes. But no third. Remember that. They never made a third.”

She looked thoughtful. “It was a little scary, but I can watch it if you hold my hand.”

He smiled broadly and clasped her little hand in his. “Deal.” The front door slammed harder than it should’ve, and they both looked up just as David passed the living room. His arms were empty. “Hey, where’s the groceries?”

David didn’t answer or look at him, he just went straight up the stairs. Penny looked at Jack questioningly and he forced a smile. “Hey, why don’t you watch some cartoons, okay?” He pushed the controller into her hands and hurried upstairs.

He found David sitting on their bed, trying and failing to control himself. Tears poured down his cheeks and his body was shaking with the attempt to not full-on sob. Jack rushed over to him, but when his hand reached out it was slapped away.

“ _Don’t_ touch me.” David hissed through his tears.

Jack was terrified and confused. Things had been going well. What was this? “Davey what’s wrong?”

He aggressively wiped tears from his eyes, which were replaced almost immediately. “I met _Lilah_.”

_Oh no. Oh god._ Jack sank down to the bed, a few feet from David. “I never wanted-”

“I hate her.” David said, adding a string of strong curse words to the end of the sentiment.

“I thought...” Jack knew this was the wrong thing to say, yet he said it anyway. “I thought you didn’t care.”

“So did I,” David said bitterly. “But surprise, surprise. I fucking care.”

“Davey...”

“You hurt me, Jack.” David shook his head slowly. “You’ve fucking hurt me so much. In so many ways. But _she_ is the worst thing you could’ve done to us.”

Jack scratched at the back of his head. He wasn’t sure if what he had to say would help or hurt, but it was better than sitting there playing dumb or being dishonest. “She… god this is stupid, Davey. She reminded me of you.”

David’s eyes narrowed dangerously. “ _Excuse me_?”

“I know how that sounds,” Jack said quickly. “But when everything went to hell… god, I missed you, Davey. I ached with missing you.” He felt tears welling in his own eyes. “But I knew, I knew you were out of my reach. You couldn’t even touch me. I felt like I was trash and the way you looked at me confirmed it. So when I met Lilah… and sometimes she would look at me like you used to. Or appreciate my art the way you… it made me feel like I had this piece of you back. I know that’s insane and I know it doesn’t make it any better. Hell, that probably makes it worse. But that’s why I ended it, Davey, and I need you to know that. I realized that when I looked at her, I was just looking for you. I realized that...” He took a deep breath, wondering if he could even make these words come out. They seemed too big. “I realized that I’ve always only loved you. I love you, Davey. I never wanted anyone else. I wanted _you_. God, I fucked up so bad. I’ll never be able to fix this.”

He was aware that Davey was staring at him, but was afraid to meet his eyes. He didn’t want to see hatred or apathy in them yet again. He couldn’t bear it.

A gentle hand on his face tried to pull him into a kiss, and Jack pulled back in alarm. “I don’t think this is the time for-”

Davey’s voice was quiet, but firm. “I need to feel the way I do when you’re touching me. I need that, Jack. Please.”

“It won’t make anything better.”

“I know.”

Jack nodded. How could he deny David anything he wanted? After all he’d done, however David needed to cope was his right. He unbuttoned David’s shirt and cast it aside, laying him down on the bed. He set about kissing his husband's chest as gently and lovingly as he could. _God, please feel how sorry I am. Please feel how much I-_

“Jack?” Came his soft voice.

“Hm?” he whispered the noise against Davey’s skin as he continued to pepper kisses along his rib cage.

“I love you too.”

The words were so quiet yet so sure. Still, Jack wasn’t sure he’d heard them. He stopped dead, face hovering over Davey’s flesh.

“I think...” he continued. “I _know_ I always have. I didn’t know how to let myself feel that. When I looked at her, I knew. I felt all the pain I’ve had hidden, pent up inside me. Like a freight train to my chest. I felt like I was dying. But I also felt… so relieved. I felt like myself again, somehow. Who I am loves you. I don’t know who else to be. I don’t _want_ to be anyone else.”

David must’ve known Jack was crying now, because his tears were falling onto his skin. He reached down to take Jack’s face in his hands, and drew him up until they were looking into each other’s tear-filled, pain drenched eyes.

“I love you, Jack.”

Jack let out a little gasp as hearing those words yet again made his heart ache with so many good and awful emotions. He didn’t deserve to hear those words. He wanted to say so. All he said was, “I love you too, Davey. So fucking much.”

 

&&&

 

When the two made their way downstairs in their pajama bottoms, Penny was passed out on the couch watching Miraculous Ladybug for the millionth time. Jack scooped her up in his arms and she stirred a bit, but didn’t wake. Together they put her to bed and tucked her in. For awhile they just sat and watched her, content.

Things were far from right, but they were better somehow. Like the pressure had been let out. Like they were no longer living in a powder keg. Like maybe, maybe this was the start of something real.


	13. Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It feels so bittersweet posting this. This is the last chapter, guys. I knew it couldn't go on forever. Thank you all for sticking with me through this story, it's been so much fun and it's been so good for me. <3 Love you all dearly and I hope you enjoy the final piece.

Jack loved laying in David’s arms. This was becoming a thing for them again, almost like it used to be. Almost. Once upon a time their snuggles had been so relaxed and at ease. Now they clung to each other all night like they were each afraid the other might vanish before morning came.

Jack pressed tender kisses to David’s eyes to ease him awake. “Morning, sleepyhead. It’s Saturday.”

“Satur-” David’s eyes popped open. “The party!”

He made as if to scramble to the edge of the bed, but Jack laughed and pulled him close. “It’s okay, it’s okay. I already woke up Penny and got her dressed. Just wanted to come back and hold you a little while.”

David sighed in relief. “And Medda?”

“Already double checked, she’ll be here to pick up Penny in like half an hour. Plenty of time for us to get ready and get to the restaurant.”

David smiled and nuzzled into Jack’s chest. “God, this is so much easier when there’s two of us.”

Jack kissed his head and smiled against his messy hair. “We’re kind of a great team.”

 

&&&

 

David was sitting on the edge of the bed, halfway through buttoning his shirt, when a tiny knock came on the door. Jack pulled on his jeans and said, “Come on in baby girl.”

Penny slipped inside and held up a little stack of papers. “Is this important?”

Jack seemed to have frozen in his tracks, but David couldn’t tell what she was holding. “What is it, honey?”

Penny bounced over and onto the bed, laying the neatly stapled packet on David’s lap. “I was gonna make a card for Uncle Mush and Uncle Crutchie, but this is all the paper in the desk.”

David stared down at the papers for awhile, unsure what to say and immensely grateful Penny was still struggling with learning to read. The word “divorce” stared back at him accusingly. He hadn’t looked at the paperwork or set his pen against the page in… god, how long had it been? A few weeks? It felt like months.

“Penny,” came Jack’s quiet voice, “why don’t you go pick out which toys you wanna take to Nana Medda’s house?”

She squinted at the papers. “But I wanted to make a card for-”

“There’s sketchbooks in my studio, take as much paper as you want, as long as it’s blank.”

This answer satisfied her. “Okie dokie!”

She left a kiss on David’s cheek and then hopped out of the room. David heard Jack quietly close the door behind her. The silence seemed to drag on forever before they both tried to speak at once. “Are you-”

“I don’t want a divorce.” David couldn’t bring his voice louder than a whisper, but he prayed Jack had heard him.

Jack seemed to struggle with those words. “I… no, of course not,” he finally said, voice shaky. “Not until-”

“Jack,” David stopped him. He took the packet between his two hands and just… pulled in opposite directions. It tore so easily. He looked up at Jack with tears in his eyes, shaking his head softly. “I don’t want a divorce.”

Jack swallowed hard and hesitated for only a moment before all the tension seemed to drain out of his body. “Oh thank God,” he breathed, rushing across the bedroom and the bed into David’s waiting arms. David was crying into Jack’s shoulder now, fingers pressed into the bare skin of his back, and didn’t try to stop the tears. Jack pulled away a bit after a moment, frantically wiping the moisture from both their eyes. “Davey are you sure-”

“We need… fucking _therapy_ , but yes.” He nodded and kissed Jack sweetly. “I’m sure.”

 

&&&

 

When David and Jack arrived at Mush and Crutchie’s anniversary party hand in hand, everyone took notice. They were clearly trying to be subtle about it, but none of them possessed the ability to pull that off. They kept poking each other and gesturing towards them, all smiles and excited whispers.

David blushed, and Jack pulled him in closer and slipped an arm around his back. “Let ‘em gossip,” he said quietly. “They’re just happy.”

“So am I,” David whispered back. “It’s _really_ weird.”

When he saw them Crutchie immediately got up and made his way over. He was absolutely beaming. “I’m so glad you both made it! And… together?” he asked tentatively.

“Together,” David confirmed happily. Jack had opened his mouth – no doubt to try and minimize the situation – but now he looked at David and grinned.

“Together.”

A cheer rose as at the back of the room as Mush began tapping on his glass to call attention. “Now that everyone’s here,” he said with a smile, “A toast to my husband.”

David and Jack hurried to their seats while Crutchie went back to his own place next to Mush.

“Babe,” Mush started. “You are… unbelievable.” He seemed lost for words, and a chuckle ran through the room as he struggled to remember his prepared speech. “When I met you, I knew you were it for me. It was a law of nature that we were just meant to be. And like every other young couple in love, we thought we were invincible to everything the world had to throw at us. But we… we weren’t invincible.” He choked on the words a bit, and Crutchie grasped his hand and gave him an encouraging smile. “I haven’t always been the best man I could be for you. I haven’t been the man you deserved. Somehow, you loved me through all of it. I can’t even imagine… I don’t know how the hell you did that, babe. You’re my hero. You brought me back from the worst place I can imagine anyone going. You brought me back better, happier. You gave me your whole heart, and a family. Some days I still question if I deserve all of it. But then I see the way you look at me… and you make me feel like I can be the kind of man who deserves you. Thank you for making me that man every day.”

Crutchie grabbed Mush by the face and gave him a tearful, joyful kiss. “God, Mush. I love you so much. I’m the luckiest idiot alive.”

At some point, he wasn’t sure when, Jack had grasped Davey’s hand and was holding it tightly while he tried to hold back the very obvious tears welling in the corners of his eyes.

Someone said something about it being time to eat, and David… he couldn’t wait any longer. He tugged gently on Jack’s hand and got to his feet. Jack looked up at him questioningly, but followed as David led him out the door.

Outside the restaurant, the sun had already set. David regretted the lack of light, but the soft glow from the windows and streetlamps would have to suffice. He let go of Jack’s hand and took a deep breath.

 

&&&

 

Jack wasn’t sure why Davey had led him outside, but he had an uncomfortable feeling they were about to have a talk. He had so many things he wanted to say first, so he turned away from Davey and just started. “Davey, everything Mush just said in there… I don’t know what he went through and I can’t just take his words out of his mouth, but Davey, I felt that. I felt what he said.”

“Jack?”

“I need to tell you… I know I can’t ever say it enough, but I need you to know how sorry I am. And I know you’re not ready to forgive me, and I don’t expect you to. I know everything’s not okay. But even after everything we’ve-”

“Jack, honey. Turn around.”

He sighed and turned. His heart stopped and he let out the tiniest sound of confusion. David was down on one knee before him, holding up his old wedding band between his fingers. He was smiling bright enough to light up the whole damn street.

“Davey...” he said, so softly.

“ _Do_ _not_ ask if I’m sure,” he said with a little laugh. “If I wasn’t sure I wouldn’t be out here on one knee.” He gently took Jack’s left hand in his. “I know we have a long journey ahead of us. It’s going to be hard, and we’re going to struggle and we’re going to fight. We definitely need a really good therapist and to learn how the fuck to talk to each other. And I… I want every second of that. I want to fight for you, Jack Kelly.”

“Holy shit,” they both looked up to see Race, who had slipped out for a smoke and who neither had noticed until the very second. He turned to crane his head back inside the door.

“No, don’t-” David tried, but it was too late. Race was calling into the restaurant.

“Guys, guys, you gotta see this!”

David blushed crimson as their friends all filed out of the building, many of them whooping and hollering as they took in the sight before them. Crutchie smiled and rolled his eyes, bumping Mush’s shoulder. “How’d I know they were gonna steal our thunder?”

David looked up at Jack and shook his head. “I didn’t mean for- I didn’t want anyone to- you shouldn’t feel pressured just because-”

Before he could manage to construct a full sentence, Jack had gone to his knees and clasped both Davey’s hands in his own. “I’m gonna fight for us,” he whispered, simply but earnestly. “Whatever it takes.”

David was kissing him almost before he knew what was happening, and Jack gripped his shoulders to pull him in closer. Their friends were laughing and celebrating, but they might as well have been the only two people in the world. When the kiss broke, David shakily slid Jack’s ring back onto his finger and fished around in his pocket, handing the other wedding band to Jack.

Holding that ring, Jack’s hand hovered just above Davey’s, staring at the place where no ring had sat in so long. For a moment, insecurity gripped him. “Davey...”

“Jack,” Davey drew his eyes back, reading every fear in them without difficulty. “You don’t have to protect me from you. We’re going to do this together. You’re the love of my life and I _know_ we can do this.”

Jack let out a relieved half-laugh, having heard exactly what he needed to hear, and slipped the ring onto Davey’s finger to raucous applause.

“If you two are done,” Crutchie said above the noise. “This is supposed to be _my_ anniversary party.”

Jack planted one last kiss on David before jumping up and helping him to his feet. He hurried over to Crutchie and wrapped his friend in a tight and unexpected hug. “Thank you,” he muttered to him. “For calling me out on my shit. I’m sorry I wasn’t ready to hear it.”

Crutchie patted his back and grinned. “Any time, brother.”

When he looked around for David, he saw Spot playfully punch him in the shoulder in congratulations. David looked back over at Jack and he was… radiant. His eyes crinkled up at the corners and he looked at Jack _exactly_ as he once had.

 

&&&

 

Lilah knew she shouldn’t be there, yet there she was. It had been nearly a year since she’d heard from Jack, but when she saw the flier advertising that his work would be on display… how could she resist? She just wanted to take in that unparalleled art again, and maybe, maybe get a glimpse of him.

But as she floated through the room, she felt no familiarity with the pieces before her. They weren’t the Jack that she had come to know. These were… something entirely more fantastic. Bursting, crackling fireworks compared to a single small match. Every piece was a man’s heart and soul brushed onto canvas.

She didn’t understand.

She wanted desperately to speak to him, to hear what had happened to change him so severely. As she looked around the room, her eyes fell upon Jack Kelly and the answer that she realized she didn’t actually want.

Jack was laughing. She’d seen him laugh, but god, not like that. He looked like an angel. Both his arms were around David, who gazed at him adoringly before giving him a tender kiss. Nearby, a little girl who must have been Penny made a face at their display of affection and Jack stuck his tongue out at her in response.

He was a completely different person. She didn’t know this man at all.

Lilah turned and made her way to the exit, slipping back out of their lives unnoticed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm seriously considering doing other pieces in this universe. Particularly ones focusing on Penny as she gets older, on Crutchie and Mush, or on Spralbert. I'm also a crazed perfectionist, so I'm honestly considering rewriting this entire fic from the ground up to flesh it out and give it more depth. So stay tuned folks, this journey may not be over. And even if it is, thank you for taking it with me. <3


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